Bedtime rant

One thing I noticed about life is that I’m constantly trying to predict the future or garner the feeling that I know what the things in the future will look like; especially having put a lot of effort into it… like, if you ever wrote music before and sat down to listen to your stuff, you instantly recognized that the hard effort you put into it, actually paid out… and you are suddenly appreciating the fruits of your hard work; this is the same for me when it comes to “the future.” I often feel like things require an equivalent exchange for everything. That’s why feeling intense pain sometimes and waiting for it to pass (especially in the cases where the pain is intense but lasts seconds, like your brain freezing after eating ice cream too fast) can bring a lot of satisfaction… more so than simply living, because pain contrasts pleasure like nothing else. But if I were a prophet, I would starve. I don’t have that ambition or drive to put that much effort into achieving things, for me or anybody. Those who put in the effort into achieving things, even and especially if it seems impossible, get to enjoy the fruits of their hard labor. It’s kinda unfortunate though, that things aren’t really handed to you in, say, a plate… and I know that sounds lazy, but there’s either a great exchange you could make that feels painful in an instant (let’s call it “no guts no glory”) or what I like to call the continuous, dedicated linear path (that doesn’t require pain), which seemingly never ends but it’s so continuous and linear that it seems to be the most efficient route, when it comes to achieving things; slowly doing more than rushing and going nowhere. But I wanted to talk about this because there were several times across my entire life where I felt like I claimed victory too soon… or like sometimes I would feel so good that I thought I would never fall a day in my life. Afterwards, I felt stupid because I simply stopped following my advice, and thought, “ugh, I hope nobody is reading these and following my advice, which I don’t even follow myself anymore… sometimes.” I do follow my own advice, but if I followed everything I said here, I would go crazy… like, after some time passes, some stuff, even if rightfully said and it helped me cope for the moment, it seemed like didn’t really hold a candle to how things changed later on… or in a matter of seconds/hours. I just made posts talking about people I interacted with online, and in chat rooms, and reading old stuff just really seemed to make me question my ability to know when I actually need to vent and when not. But screw it, I can make these… it’s not like I’m forbidden to express my thoughts; and nobody should judge me or you or anyone.