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So i just found this site after searching for ways to share my thoughts.Even though i study english, expect to see lots of mistakes (please don't judge me and make me feel even worse about myself).
So i guess i should begin.I live in a small,poor country called Bulgaria.I won't spend time to explain why but this isn't the best place to live in.I'm 16 years old.All my life i have been shy and anxious.In 1 grade i had no friends except for the ones i had grown up with.I was quiet and lonely but i didn't realy realise it.Than in 5 grade i moved to another class in the same school.My best friend was there with me and that made me feel good but i was still very distant from the rest of the people.I didn't knew why but i was feeling comfortable by myself and anxious around them.So things were OK until i moved to another school when i was 14.From there on things went down.I knew no one there.First day of school i went there and i felt like an alien among so many strangers.They were outgoing and got to know each other immediately.I was shy and scared just standing there shaking and waiting for the class to begin so that i could get out of the awkward situation in which everyone around me moves around and i just can't seem to find my place.So i pull out my phone and pretend to be busy with it. It's like a way to escape the feeling of "not belonging" ,if that makes any sence,or with other words not to be awkward.I thought that maybe after some time i will be able to fit in.
A few moths passed and i wqs still the same.Students around me were outgoing snd confident ,knowing everyone and going out with friends.It was too late to for me to fit in.I was a loner and i excepted it.I still am a loner 2 years later in the same class. But now things are different.School has become very difficult and i have lots of homework and thousands of subjects (the Bulgarian educational system😷) each of witch requre a perfectly learned lesson and well written homework.It may not sound like a big deal but it drives me crazy every day.It seems as if school consumes all my time. The rason i'm so worried about that is beacause i have the feeling i'm the only one who studies so much
(and i am far from being an excelent student). I feel like i'm in a loop.I wake up,go to school (hating every part of it😤 ),come home,study and go to bed.And then the same thing again and again and again...
When look around me i see people who go out to have fun,teenage girls who are not virgins anymore,people who seem grown up.The thought of that scares me.I look at them and then i look at myself- shy,lonely,mom and dad's little girl,not able to deal with life on my own. It feels like life is passing me by and i have just been there,sitting at one place ,without any progress, just frozen in time😔.And what is even scarier is that i can feel it ticking away with every day.It feel like a nightmare with a monster waithing at the end of it and i keep moving towards it (or in this case it keeps moving towards me).
Social anxiety,fear of time running out,no motivation or direction😳
I just realy need someone to talk to but my parents don't believe in therapist.I have tried to talk to them but they can't understand,ending up telling me that i'm fine and everything is Ok.But it's not...
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Meet me,
I'm a 22 y.o who only has 6 friends.Your story makes me remember of my younger days, I was 15, had no friends, felt disconnected to the world (and still do, at some degree, I guess that's just who I am...) my country isn't a 'top country' either.I felt so depressed and confused, simply because I felt so different from people around me.
Until I found several people who are willing to accept me as a socially awkward person and hang around me anyway (without forcing me to do too much of social stuffs).So there's a hope for us, for me personally, it's not the matter of 'fitting in' but more of 'the correct people' that don't demand us to change much for us to get a friendship. I know you might feel depressed or sad or just confused, but you're still at school, it's fine... it's not like you already have a career, we grow up, we might change a bit and at some point you'll find a few people that will fit you and make you comfortable.Now I have a job, a few friends and even if I'm still confused from time to time as why people are so different from me, I'm fine. Fine enough to want to keep living and seek the better tomorrows.Anyway, try this... this helped me tremendously, because it gave me self acceptance about myself. https://www.16personalities... Take the test, it won't hurt and might shed some light of why you feel so different than most of the people.If you still need someone to talk to, kik me : lee.189
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