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Please don't judge me, but give me advice? I apologize if this is too long.
I have loved my cousin for 5 years now. He is my first-cousin, meaning blood related. He is my best friend and we do literally everything together. We go to school together, commute to and from home together, work together, we even have the same friend groups. I have always been very close to him and we always tell each other almost everything. I feel most comfortable and safe around him. I realized my feelings for him a few years ago when he was telling me about a girl he was talking to and I felt extremely upset for some reason. I was so upset I cried.
Then I distanced myself from him for a few days and thought to myself, why the hell am I crying? I thought It was weird. Since I was quite young, I researched what I was feeling and from reading various stuff, I realized I liked him. Despite my age, I knew I was not supposed to have feelings for him. So I tried distancing myself from him again, and did not talk the same way for months. It hurt. I felt devastated because I was losing my best friend and the only person I talked to on a daily basis and could tell anything to.
However, there was a time we had to hang out as a family and during that day I was extremely upset due to something that had happened earlier in the day. I left everyone in the living room and stayed by myself in a different room crying. He somehow found me and comforted me. I hadn't felt that happy in months. After this event, we became close again and over the years, my feelings for him grew stronger and stronger. I don't know what to do. It's killing me. This is silly and even disgusting.
Sometimes I find myself wanting to be hugged or kissed by him, when he does something really sweet and I can't contain my feelings. I know that I cannot act on my feelings, so what should I do? Distancing myself is very painful, and it is also impossible because we see each other for more than 10 hours every day. Since he is very attractive, some of my friends like him and flirt around, and I feel betrayed. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.
Please tell me how to get rid of these awful feelings? I can't stand it anymore, I just want to rip my heart or whatever piece of my body is making me feel these things towards him and throw it into the sea, really really far away.
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The only thing that pops into my mind is to try and find someone else you can fully trust and confide in. (that isn't a cousin of course) A relationship might help considerably. Maybe even reaching out and going on a few dates could be helpful. Getting to a point where you have a significant other whom you can deeply trust and love will take time though. "Distracting" yourself to try and get to that point with someone other than your cousin might help. You can still love your cousin (you are family after all) and share things with him, there is no wrong in that! I hope this helped :\
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