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Since I can remember, my father has been abusive- physically/emotionally/psychologically to my mother and brother and emotionally/psychologically with me. I'm not being overly judgmental, it is just the truth: he is a terrible husband, a horrible father, and an even worse human being. I am 20 years old and my mother and father had been married a few months before I was born. My father has cheated on my mother- more than a couple of times. He has laid his hands on my mother and my brother- more than a few times. He has had my mother wrongfully arrested (they let her out...). He is racist..against just about everyone- but especially African Americans. (We are Puerto Rican). He has zero regard for human life or human worth (people die, tragedies happen, and he could care less). I am convinced he is a misogynist; who objectifies women and demeans them- ridding them of their self worth and self-respect.
My mother is a beautiful woman, and I don't just say that because she is my mother. She is 40 but doesn't look a day past 25/27. She is a social worker, she cares about people and kids. She is successful- she has a masters degree, a career, money. She is just good. She has her flaws but overall she is a splendid wife, an amazing mother, and an incredible human being. I do not understand how she could have possibly married a man like my father. But anyways...moving on. Every time they fight I worry. I feel bad for her. Usually, when he fights with me she comes over. Even if she doesn't say anything, she is there. She comes in and checks up on me (whether I am right or wrong). She just makes sure I'm okay. I guess it isn't like that anymore...
Growing up I didn't have the talk with my dad about how a guy is supposed to treat a woman. I didn't have the motherly talk where I'm told about how much I matter and how important it is to know and honor my self-worth. Nope. I didn't even have an example of what a healthy relationship looked like. I figured this out on my own, from teachers, counselors, and other administrative staff. I learned it from my friend's parents. I learned it from articles online. Because if I would have decided to learn it from home, I would be like all the other women with "daddy issues" pursuing abusive men that resemble their fathers. I would have ended up a young lady trapped in an unhealthy relationship refusing to leave because that's all I would've known. You see if I only looked to my father for direction in relationships, I would think being cheated on was okay, I would think physical, emotional, and psychological abuse was normal. I would think that a man stripping me of my confidence and self worth was fine. I would've ended up a woman stuck in a despicable relationship, clinging to the 5 minutes of happiness I get a day and trying to convince myself and everyone around me that, that was enough. But you know, there is just something about that possibility that I found to be absolutely repulsive.
I currently have a boyfriend of over 2 years and he is AMAZING. He plays Division I football at the United States Air Force Academy. He has never been on academic probation. He has never gotten in any trouble at the school. He is getting his bachelors in Business Management and when he graduates, he will be a 2nd Lieutenant (officer) in the United States Air Force. He wants to get engaged soon, and wants to get married the summer of 2019. He wants to have 2, 3, or maybe 4 kids- depending on where we are in life. He loves kids, I've seen him with his niece and other kids from when we volunteered. He has his own beliefs but he doesn't push them on me or anyone else. He is respectful of women- he was primarily raised by his mother who divorced her husband when he was young. He's been exposed to racism, so he makes sure not to be prejudice towards others. He adores me, not in a weird way..but in a way that all he wants in life is to make me and keep me feeling like that happiest girl in the world. I have flaws, I have oh so many flaws. And since we practically lived together at the prep school, he has seen every single one of them. He's seen me struggle with my emotions and with my past. He's sadly, seen me at my worst. When we argue, he's pretty calm and level headed. It's really really hard to get him worked up- I've only done that once, and he just paused and said we needed to take a minute and come back to sit down and talk about everything. So he went to the bathroom, calmed down, and came back. I genuinely believe I found the complete opposite of my father. Even when we are "at our worsts" we are still SO MUCH BETTER that a relationship with someone like my father. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love everything about him, his flaws and all. Recently it was relayed to me that my father doesn't approve of our relationship solely based on the fact that he is African American. Mind you, my father has seen him, spoken with him...they even sat down and had that father- boyfriend talk. And it was NEVER a problem. Nothing ever came up, I always went out with him. I was always given permission to see him. I never got a hint.. Recently I found it out from my mother ON THE PHONE and the next thing she said to me was "I got to go, bye" and she hung up- leaving me to tell my boyfriend that new founded piece of information.
When we got off of the phone, I had a very bad panic attack- probably my worst because I just completely blacked out. I had no idea what happened until my boyfriend told me... all I remembered was an orange truck. According to my boyfriend, who was on the passenger seat, I let go of the wheel but didn't take my foot off of the gas pedal. He said he had to grab the steering wheel, and literally begged me to push on the brake. Once he pulled us over, he carried me out of the car, and sat me in the passenger seat. He drove the rest of the way to his house. Then when we got there, he carried me out of the car and sat me on the couch. Just telling me that it was okay, that I needed to calm down, that he needed me to breathe, tp take deeps breaths and everything. I finally calmed down when his mother got home... enough to where she could make out my words. She sent him upstairs and I told her what happened...or tried to, between my sobbing. She calmed me down, and talked to me about the situation. Then she suggested I tell my boyfriend. I went upstairs and did that. He was devastated. He thought everything was fine- we all thought everything was fine. After I talked to him, I went ahead out to the car to drive home (2 hours away).
He called me a little after I took off asking if my mother called me. I said no. He said he texted her because he was worried. He had done this before when we were both in Colorado. Anyways, I told him that she was probably asleep and would talk to me the next day. I got home, and went straight to bed. The next day I was still feeling the sting, the anger, the disappointment, the hatred, the sadness... I was feeling all of it. It was very awkward and difficult for me to get out of bed. All I wanted to do was curl into a ball, on my bed, and cry all day long. Nevertheless, I got up to make something out of my day- to focus on something other than my array of emotions. I saw my mother...I felt too hurt to speak. I didn't know what to say, and I was waiting for her to ask me what happened, if I was okay, if I had another attack..but nothing. She asked what time I got home, and I thought "okay, she's about to ask". I told her 1 am (an hour late) and all she said was "was [your brother] awake?" I said "no" and that was the end of that. I was so confused. Why didn't she ask what happened? Why didn't she ask if I was okay? Why didn't she worry that I would end up in an emergency room like I had months prior? Why didn't she care???? That hurt me, so I just ate and returned to my bed, called my boyfriend, and cried for a little bit. For the first time ever, she didn't give a damn. Literally...nothing. Anyways, I decided to go to work. I really just wanted to get out of the house before my father got home... I saw my mother again, and she got mad at me for having an attitude with her..so I ate and left. Work SUCKED, I was just not happy. I didn't want to be there. I just kept thinking about everything: my dad, my boyfriend, my boyfriend's family, my mom...everything. I got home from work late, and everyone was already in bed. So I went to bed. The next day, I felt exactly the same. I was sad, and didn't want to get out of bed. However, I did. I saw my mother again and really just didn't know what to say to her. So I said nothing. Sadly, it was her birthday but I couldn't...I just couldn't. I couldn't. I'm sorry. I couldn't believe she didn't care about ANYTHING that happened.
Unfortunately, my father got home while I was in the kitchen. I ignored him. I made my breakfast, and sat down to eat. He came to me to ask why I was on "strike" and not "talking to my mother". That ultimately turned into a fight- DUH. And usually when that happens, my mom comes out. Even if she doesn't say anything, she comes out. That day she was no where to be found. He told me I clearly wasn't going with them out to eat and I just acted like I didn't care. So I went back to my room. My mother didn't come to my room to see if I was okay, to see what the fight was about, to see if I was going to dinner, to see if I even WANTED to go out to eat with them, she didn't even say they were leaving...nothing. Again! I'm just so confused as to why she hasn't shown any interest. Why she hasn't shown any level of concern or worry.
Mom, where'd you go? When this all happened all I needed you to do was remember how I felt for this person. Remember how you told me that you've never seen me like this about a "significant other" ever before. All I needed you to do was defend my chance at a love I NEVER thought was even possible watching you and dad. I don't know the future, I can't say that this is who I'm going to marry for sure. But it is the only person I can imagine myself with for the rest of my life, and I've NEVER felt this before. Not once.
He's a person. A good one too. He's smart. He's kind. He's sweet. He's a Division I football player. He attends the United States Air Force Academy. He's never been on academic probation, or had any disciplinary problems there. He's on a path to a very successful future. He's nice to me. He wants me in his future and absolutely everyone in his family knows it. You've held me while I cried and cried and cried because of how much I missed him when he was in Colorado. This isn't a fling. We've been together two years and that's nothing compared to the years you and your husband have been together, but I tell you... for as long as I can remember, I have NEVER seen your husband look at you the way I catch my boyfriend looking at me sometimes. All randomly, for no reason, and I can't help but to smile, blush, and feel like the only and most beautiful girl in the world. You've talked to him. You know how he feels about me and how I feel about him. And to leave me with THAT to tell him, and "I got to go, bye"...is messed up on so many levels. You have no idea how this makes him feel. You have no idea what I've had to go through with him in these past couple of days. To do EVERYTHING right, to love someone more than you ever thought you could, and to have that be deemed not enough solely due to a biological component. He is DESTROYED. He is broken. But he disregarded that, he let that go for one second to text you about ME and MY safety. Not only did you not mention it to me at all, but you also didn't even bother to respond with a simple "thank you" whenever you saw it. Whether it was that night or the next morning. Yeah; he noticed that. Because the last time he texted you, you responded. And this time you didn't. He caught on to that...
That was then... but we have something going on right now, don't we? All I needed you to do was ask what happened when I broke down in the car. I want you to CARE that I almost killed us both. I want you to WORRY about how I couldn't function, move, speak, or breathe- let alone even remember any of that until he told me. I want you to CONCERN yourself with the fact that the last time I had one of these...episodes, I had a couple more after, and it landed me in an emergency room overnight with everyone thinking I was crazy. I want you to WONDER why it might've taken me over an hour and half to be able to go ahead and drive home. What happened? Was I okay? Do I feel the same way I felt when stuff was happening at the Academy? Am I going to hurt myself, or anyone else? How do I feel?
Every time for as long as I can remember, regardless of if I was wrong or right, you would check on me. If I fought with your husband, you would be there. Even if you didn't say anything, you would be there. You would talk to me afterwards. You would make sure I was okay. If I had some sort of attitude (even if it had nothing to do with anything at home) you would check to see what was wrong. If I was sad, you would come ask what's wrong. If I was mad, you would come ask what happened. And now all of a sudden, I am alone. And I'm fine with that, if that's the way it is going to be...it's just extremely disheartening.
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