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My girlfriend absolutely does not want anything to do with me sexually....at all. Everytime we talk on this specific subject, it's the same end result: She says it's just the way she is and always has been. I apologize and offer to be the one who should change. I am not at all saying that she should change and see the light of sex and start gettig it on all the time. I just want my significant other to want me back. I long for intimacey between us. The connectedness physical touch offers is nothing like anything else. I treat her well, communicate as much as possible on this matter, and I do my best to see her side, but all I get is a thick brick wall and end up feeling like an overly sexual piece of shit. She does not yell at me, treat me like shit, or directly tell me I am an annoyance, but her body actions tell a much different story than her words do. Little backstory on me sexually: I am a mid 20 year old male. I am fit, muscular, tall, and overall I would say I am decent looking. I have, for as long as I can remember, been very sexual. I was young when I began personal explorations into what has developed into specific sexual fetishes. Nothing crazy, I just find lingerie (specifically stockings) and high heels to be incredibly sexy on a woman. It is not a dependent fetish where I need those to exist, or I cannot have sex. I just fantasize about that stuff. I like vanilla sex, but I also do like to get creative and change it up a little. Anyway, I am just a very sexual man. Back to the present: Girlfriend does not have any sex drive at all. At least, according to her. I am a faithful man and I am crazily IN love with her. I accept all her short commings and her flaws. But even so, it still fucking hurts so bad to know that she does not "want" me. I don't need to be wanted all the time, nor do I need sex all the time. It's the fact that she never has made me feel sexually wanted, ever. Whenever we have sex, which is once a month, maybe, I feel like she is just does it for me. Completely removes any true sense of sexyness and real intimacey. It's always vanilla sex...missionary. Not the best, but I can deal with that because at least we are being intimate. But the overall little sex we get, she seems completely disinterested. I May be asking for too much, but since we have been together, she has never touched my private area. Literally never. It may sound weird, but it kinda hurts, and leaves me to wonder why that is? With the sexual issues we already have, I feel so stupid asking why she has never touched my penis. She thinks all I want to do is makeout, have sex, or be flirty. Problem here is, she will never understand that it only seems that way simply because she does not whatsoever make me feel wanted. OF COURSE I WILL TRY OFTEN! I try porn and look at different things, but porn is literally just a quick fix, which most of the time it's so unrealistic that it doesn't help me fully. I find her incredibly attractive and I mostly think of her while masturbating. Sounds stupid, but it works for me and I role play in my head about her. I'll play senarios in my head while looking at pictures of her. I compliment her often with a genuine attitude and I truly mean what I say. I am so attracted to her. But as I said- it hurts when I stop to think that she NEVER makes me feel wanted. She never compliments me, unkes I pry it out. She never kisses me sensually. She wont flirt with me without me flirting back and she retreats her flirtatiousness. I try to initiate kissing, and she immediately chages her attitude to quiet and annoyed. Then I feel like shit and stop. Most of the time, I take the hint, back off, and just push it out of my mind and move on. Sometimes it will just suck and I question my looks, and other shit about me. All of this just sucks and makes me feel like something is wrong with me. Do I not turn her on? Am I not her sexual type? Is my dick not big enough? Do I suck during sex? Those questions sound stupid when I read them, but they are still true thoughts of mine. It hurts to know that I cannot see her looking incredibly sexy and beautiful and act on my sexual desire for the woman I love. Every once in a while at the end of a night out and she is looking sexy, I have thoughts to try to get her in the mood at home, but as soon as I think that way, I get incredibly sad and force myself to stop the thoughts. We'll get home and I will grab her and passionately kiss her and she will change instantly and "become" tired, have stuff to do, change the subject, distract me, or just plain show her annoyance through body language making me feel that it just pointless. I feel so fucking defeated, and I don't want to be rude to her, but it upsets me. It legitimately makes me sad. I cannot even flirt with her, or be touchy unless it's cuddling. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE cuddling with her, but I just want our sex life to even remotely exist. She will say to me that she justs wants it to happen naturally.....it never has. I have to initiate it and that is one hard and saddening process to get going. To the point that I just feel like shit and ask her multiple times if I should stop. To which she will literally say nothing. So, I stop, or ask again. The process of grtting her to say yes is far from "natural" and it is the only way we really have ever started sex. She will cave in and off we go into what feels great, but seems off and distant. Now, I know there will be advocates for both her side and mine, but I just feel like I have no one to comfortably explain this personal issue to, therefore I am just texting into an anonymous site to hopefully help ease my mental discomfort in this issue. I don't want to find some random girl and have meaningless sex. I want to make love with the woman I am in love with, mixed with the occocasional naughty night. But I know that will never happen. I am laying in bed next to her right now on Christmas after just trying to be flirtatious and I got her normal reaction of just going completey slient. It hurt like hell and as always, I leave her alone, she thinks I am frustrated (I am), I become quiet, she falls asleep (which for some reason makes it worse), and I just lay there in the dark on my phone, or staring into the black void of our room feeling like there is something wrong with me. I want her, but I don't think she will ever want me.
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Have you considered that your girlfriend is asexual? What was she like with other partners? Have you discussed what worked for her in the past? If not, it may be that physical intimacy just doesn't do anything for her and it is okay for that to be a deal breaker. It could also be tons of other things such as abuse or a part trauma. Either way, loving someone doesn't mean you are a good match, believe me. If you have done your honest best, taken time to discuss and try to get her to open up but nothing is working, maybe it would be best to walk away and try find happiness.
ReplyI agree with Maybe?But you're also right. You deserve the love that you want. Maybe you should consider loving her the way she wants to... Maybe youre showimg too much touch but her way of love is in another action... Then she'll catch on with trying to love you the way you like.
ReplyYou say that you mostly think of HER during masturbation, what or who do you think of the remainder of the time? Does she come in and find you watching porn? Does she know that you watch porn? Maybe she doesn't like you getting off to other women (in porn). Perhaps she thinks you are mentally comparing her to the women or sluts you see in porn. Maybe she feels betrayed when you look at porn. When you are looking at porn, you're not looking at her.
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