The Life of a Twenty Something Year Old with No Friends

I've felt so lonely lately. I don't have any close friends and I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I have depression and anxiety and it's difficult to deal with alone. Usually, I bury myself with work so I don't have time to think about anything, but I haven't had anything to do recently. The one person I reached out to left me alone/is ignoring me and I just don't know what do. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past. When I completely spiral into sadness they start coming back and I have to fight to realign my thoughts. I feel like I lost control. I've gotten myself together a little, so I decided to write my feelings. I like to write in a conversational style to try adding some humor. People don't care about me or what I do on social media, and I knew that if I posted on any of my accounts, nobody would read it. So, here goes nothing. Here's what I have so far (I know it's not perfect grammatically). Maybe someone here will read it and give some feedback.

The Life of a Twenty-Something Year Old with No Friends

In the age of social media, you always seem to hear about people who want to be alone. You hear people bragging about “keeping their circles small” or how they’re are quick to cut others off. “Appreciating your solitude” is what they call it. Hell, I even appreciate being alone now and then.

But what happens when being alone isn’t choice? What happens when you don’t even have a “circle” to begin with? What happens when almost every moment of your life outside of school and work is solitude? No social life, no one to talk to, zilch. Sure, that might sound like an introvert’s dream. No friends, no drama, no pretending to be someone you’re not or holding yourself back, no being forced to go out, nobody telling you things you don’t want to hear. Sounds great, right? Don’t get me wrong, everyone needs their alone time. Some people need more than others. Some people have no choice.

Being alone gives you the opportunity to become comfortable with yourself. You can take this alone time to focus on yourself, immerse yourself into a hobby, or sleep, and sleep, and sleep a little bit more (somehow you never get enough sleep, but that’s a story for a different day). When you don’t have friends, however, eventually the loneliness begins slowly creeping into your mind. You probably won’t even notice it at first (I mean; do you really need friends). However, when the empty pang of loneliness hits you, you won’t be able to fully ignore it. You can pretend you’re fine, but you know you really aren’t. Trust me, I’ve been living this life for years.

I’ve never felt like I belonged. At least, I haven’t felt like I’ve belonged since I was about 12 years old. No matter where I go or what I do, I feel like a puzzle piece that won’t quite fit (or like a puzzle piece trying to fit into the wrong puzzle). Whenever I have felt like I finally belonged somewhere and started believing people actually wanted me around, there was a cruel twist of fate. Usually, after a series of unfortunate and painful events, I’d realize that my “friends” hated me and wanted to literally ruin my life or they were they just using me (imagine someone trying to get you expelled just because you exist, or something along those lines). Rinse and repeat. That’s been my life from the seventh grade up until my senior year of college. It’s almost like the universe has conspired to keep me friendless.