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I think it feels like is time to put my thoughts in order...if that is possible.
Anyone who reads this, forgive my mistakes, I am not an English speaker.
Since I was born, I started fighting for my life. I was born premature, at 7 months. I needed 2 months to get used to breath alone. My parents are wonderful people. My mother was a housewife at that time, and took care of me and my sisters, giving us a really good education.
Time passed, and I grew up. Things started to change. I was afraid of the whole new world.
When I would go out to play, I would always look at the children, too shy to talk my way in. I would wait for someone to ask me "Do you want to play?", and then, only trust that child to play with. Because that child was braver than me. Days would pass like this, making good friends, slowly starting to understand what my world would look like. Then, it changed.
There were bigger boys. Me, a shy little girl. They would ask me things. Me, too scared to answer. Just staring at them. Then...they would start to bully me. Every time they would see me, they would tell me ugly things and call me names. I started to feel unsecured and scared of them.
School started. Scared to meet new children. Because they would act exactly like them? Or they would be nice to me?
My classmates would be girls and boys. Making new friends was something I wanted, but...my main purpose was to focus on learning and having good marks. I didn't want to disappoint my parents, and that would be my way of showing that I really love them. Rewarding them for the care they showed me. This is what made me the target of bullies. Boys again. They would call me names, and every time I did something better than them, they would even kick me or pull my hair. I couldn't tell my parents about this, didn't want to worry them. Time passed.
I was growing, and I was coming to realise that, if I wanted a good life, I had to study and work hard. This made me the target of bullies again. Boys most of them. High school was a living hell for me. Waking up every morning and going to high school, with them there, was painful. Many times, I faked I was sick, so that I could stay home, even for one day.
Slowly, I was starting to lose my purpose. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. Sometimes, when I was alone, I was even thinking of killing myself. It would be much easier for me. But...I would think about the pain I would cause to my parents and sisters if I did such a thing. So I continued going to school, and did my best in ignoring them. All those eyes on me...making me feel like there would never be someone to care about me. All those boys looking for pretty make-up girls as girlfriends. I knew I would never be one. But, I needed somebody to tell my insecurities and be there for me. I was feeling too ashamed to tell about the way I felt to my parents. Too scared.
I found a singer, a wonderful person. His music was healing me, and his way of talking and thinking helped me to become stronger. I found a new purpose for my life. Throwing away everything I had until then, I started anew. Felt madly in love with him. Telling myself I don't need anyone else as long as I had him.
Time passed again. Time always passes.
I started university. Something new. Too scared, too hard for me, I gave up on it. I wanted to do something that I really liked it, and to be happy about my life.
But...
All those things...built me as a person. How to say it...
Every new person I am meeting is telling me that I am such a wonderful friend. Such a nice and caring person. That I would teach them everything I know, while putting my love and soul in it. Because I really love doing this. When I am offering something, I give away all my love and soul. I want to see the persons I care about happy, smiling at me all the time they see me, wanting to have me around. Trusting me enough to tell me about them and ask for my advice. I really love that. But...
There were persons who broke my trust. Hurt me really bad. Used me. Bullied me. Playing with my feelings. Now...I am so scared of trying again. Because I got broken so many times. But still, I continue to offer a piece of my heart to anyone who needs it. Sometimes, I wonder why I do that...because I want to be loved?
Time passes. And tonight...I feel like I am tearing up in pieces. Losing control. I wonder which is the real me...
I want somebody for me. I need somebody to hug tight and never let go. I have been alone all this time. I start to lose this fight. I want somebody to look at me like I am his world. To treat me as a princess from time to time. No more ugly, bad things. No more. I want somebody's love. I want to stay all the time in his arms, reading a book and drinking tea. I want him to be my safe place. I want to stay in bed with him, with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. I want to receive a random text from him saying silly things that would make me smile, that would make my day better. I want that when he sees me, to smile and hug me. I want him to think at me all the time. I want him to talk with me all the time and never get tired.
But...
I am scared. I want all of that, but I am afraid of letting anyone in my life. What if I am too ugly to be loved? What if I am not what he wants? What if he will change in the future? What if he would look at me with disgust? What if he would only use me? What if he would only play with me? What if things will get bad?
I know those thoughts are really silly, and it is only "if"...but all the bad things that happened to me until now made me this way.
I don't trust myself enough. I need someone to trust me more than I do. I need someone to change me.
Crying is not going to fix anything. But I am scared and tired of being alone in the night. During the day, I can easily get busy with something and forget, but at night, when everything is quiet...my mind remembers everything. My chest hurts. My eyes are tired of crying. I feel alone.
I want somebody.
I want happiness.
I want love.
I am tired.
I wanna stop fighting.
But...
I don't know what my future will bring.
Maybe things will get better. Should I wait?
Should I keep on fighting?
I want to give love....I want to live.
But...
I am too scared.
I am so alone...
I want somebody...I need somebody...
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