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I miss you. It still hasn't sunk in that you've gone. I remember the night before you passed, at the hospital, you wouldn't let go of my hand. And everyone was stunned because you hadn't been able to move for days yet you were able to tighten your grip long enough to hold onto me for half an hour. Then I had to leave to head back to university. I remember leaning over your bed and I told you "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon okay, I love you" and that was the last thing I said to you. The following day, after I finished my examination, I hopped on the train to come back to you. But halfway into my journey I received a text saying you'd passed away. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't cry because I was in shock and somewhat denial. It's the first death I've been old enough to comprehend. I felt numb if anything. I stared around the train at all the people going about their daily lives and then it hit me, and I burst into silent tears as I looked out of the train window. I couldn't believe you were gone. Some fraction of me was still expecting to go home and find you well and back in your bedroom.
I arrived at the train station and my brother picked me up. We then had a further half an hour journey back home. Initially, we were both silent, unable to comprehend how everything can just change so suddenly. Then we began reminiscing and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with feelings. In that moment, I couldn't remember the good I'd done for you. I instantly felt regret for the times I'd ignore your small requests out of pure laziness. I wish you were here so I could hasten to fulfil your every wish. Even if for just one more time.
I remember the last thing you said to me, two weeks prior to passing, "Make sure you come and see me before I leave." It was as if you knew you were going to be leaving us soon. I couldn't bear to hear those words and told you to not speak like that. I just wish you knew how much I love you, I never did tell you enough.
After your funeral abroad, I felt closure. I realised how short life was and that ultimately, we are alone. So i should get used to being alone and being happy alone and being selfish for my own peace of mind. I don't feel attachment to things anymore, I look right through them. After arriving back home in the UK, I realised alot was going to change. I don't think I am ready for how much is going to change.
I couldn't step into your bedroom the first 4 days. I tried once, to go and open the curtains one morning but I felt overwhelmed with emotion and ran back out. I tried again after 4 days with my sister and brothers and it was easier, together. We all sat reminiscing about you, we all love you.
Gran, you were the rock of the family, the glue that kept everyone together. And now that you're gone, everything has changed. My parents have split up just weeks after your passing, my aunts haven't visited or even called to see how I am. Too much is changing and I can't handle being at home. So I stay at university halls of residence any chance that I get. Even if I'm all alone, atleast I feel like I'm far away from all of it. We really don't know how to function without you. I heard from a family friend that Dad's flown away, out of the country. I guess he taught me to run away. You know, the out of sight out of mind thing. But it doesn't apply for situations like this. I need to deal with what's going on, I can't keep distracting myself and running away from my problems.
I know if you were alive you'd be telling me how strong I am and how I can take anything life throws at me, but I don't know anymore. I don't know if I can, or if your encouragement was convincing me I can.
I'm sorry I'm being selfish. I'm sure you don't want to hear the bad that's going on. Just know that we all love you, you mean the world to all of us. I'm sure we'll all get through this, stronger than before. You were always so big on family unity. Even on your deathbed, you managed to get everyone together. I can only hope this family remains a strong unit now and in the future.
Love you always,
M
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