What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I am perfectionist. So this right here is very difficult for me. I just accepted that im not a very good writer, so im just going to write whatever flies through my head and try not to make every sentence the absolute best it could be. Because that's how i should treat myself too. Maybe starting with something like this isn't a bad idea. We'll, enough boring excuses, im going to do this now.
I am Jan, im almost 17 years old and i'm currently not sure what im doing with my life and i'm not sure if that's going to have a good outcome. Before i start typing all the stuff that wants to get out my brain, i think it might be helpful to do a little introduction of me as a person and the past few years of my life.
I am a guy who thinks way too much about everything, which makes me a coward, because i always imagine all the worst outcomes of any situation, so i usually stay in the back, alone and quiet. I am diagnosed to be somewhere on the autism spectrum, which doesn't make things easier. I'm also gifted, if that's the right word for it, with an pretty high IQ and some distinct skills, which i won't tell, because i try to avoid talking about that. That brings us on to the next point a don't like about me. I wan't do make everyone happy and don't ever make anyone angry or annoyed, or whatever. Either just be there, unnoticed, or noticed in a nice way. You could perhaps call that fear of rejection, but i'd rather stick with trying to make everyone happy.
All of the stuff above and some other quirks, fears etc. are the reason i never had real friends, even though i was liked by almost everyone. I used to have a little group of friends, who i played games with and sometimes met, but i never felt fully accepted or integrated. By the time i left my school at 10th grade -which was a private Montessori school, so it was fairly easy for me in school-, i had just one friend left, in fact i only had my girlfriend left. She's the most wonderful human living on this evil little planet and also the most beautiful, with her brown hair, blue eyes, the piercing on her lip, her perfect body, the way she walks and talks and makes cute noises randomly, being right in between sexy and cute, all while still being tough. You can probably tell that i love her with all my heart. She had a really tough past, with her mother passing away and being alone way too much, but as hard as it is, today im going to write about me, so thats all of her.
I always wanted to be a skateboarder, but since im fat and im not good at it i never chased that dream. I also can't imagine myself like that. I wouldn't feel like i belong there, at least in my state of being right now.
Ah fuck
i cant do this, i really dont like me, i kinda hate me and i am absolutely glad i have my girlfriend, because lord knows why she likes me and how long that will last. i am so awkward and i would love to just be myself and try skateboarding and just fucking do stuff without being afraid of failing or being laughed at. and i just want to have friends who i can talk to about everything and i want to smoke weed, because i think its a really cool thing and i like smoking cigarettes, so why not get fucking chill and try it, but no jan is too afraid of whats going to happen and im to afraid to be like those „cool" kids who i kinda got to know because of my gf. and i want to sleep with my gf, but no she's giving you chances and you could have done it for like 10 month, but no im too afraid of not being good or something idk. i really hate how i am and the fact that im writing this instead of actually changing. but i don’t even know if even want to change or whatever
i need a pause from life, or maybe like a restart or a savepoint where i can load up a time where i can decide right
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
One wish
If I had a chance to make a wish it would be to be happy. I wish I was happy with myself. I wish that I wasn't embarrassed to be me sometimes. I wish to be happ...
-
Anxiety
I love what I see in the mirror........I just wish others loved it too. Then it won't make me question wether what I see is different from what they see... And...