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I can't remember the date. I wish I could. We had been fighting a lot. Some of my co-workers had brought it upon themselves to fuck with my relationship...for fun. They made bets on how mad she would get it they convinced her I was in love with somebody else. Why I continued to work there, I don't know.
Every morning I would take extra long showers and dream about us breaking up. It was two days after we had taken a day trip across the state...we had a great time. I can't remember what came over me, but something did. I sat down at my desk and wrote our breakup note. She had been having insecurity issues, so I started it with "Just to be clear, there isn't somebody else". Many words later, it was done. I went to work that day, and she surprised me at lunch with some Panera. Somehow I acted like everything was normal, even though I had the note folded in my back pocket. Each crease still fresh because I couldn't bring myself to read it before it was time. I told one of my friends at work, and she supported me. As I left work, I picked up the phone to call her to let her know I was coming over. She knew what was happening immediately. I tried to get off the phone, she wouldn't let me. I drove home and things were completely silent between us for upwards of 20 minutes. I whispered, "I'm at your house." She came out and sat in my car. She was balling. I pulled out the note and began reading. She only cried at first, then ripped the note from my hand and screamed, "NO!". It wasn't from anger. It was from the thought of losing this relationship. We both cried. I hugged her goodbye. She asked if I would give her a goodnight kiss...one last time. That was the worst part for me. Seeing what I was doing to her was overbearing. I agreed...one last time. That night, I cried for hours. Somehow I managed to sleep some.
The next morning I woke up feeling empty inside. It was still about 6 hours until my shift at work. Six hours to do nothing but think. I began thinking about whether what I had done was necessary or not. You see, I had a bad habit of bottling up my feelings and thoughts about our relationship. She voiced her opinions regularly, I didn't. We had about 3 huge fights in the past because of this reason. I tried to take my mind off things; listening to music, watching tv, etc. I don't know how long it took me to realize this, but eventually I knew I shouldn't have been so quick to end things without trying to fix it. She had been leaving me voicemails and texts throughout the day, but I was silent to give myself time to think...for myself. It was about noon and I called her, I was ready to give it another chance. She was out with her mom and sister, so I met them and we talked in my car for a while. We decided to give it another shot. I apologized for not voicing my thoughts before, and she apologized for being the way she had been.
I regret nothing. We are now happily engaged to be married this Fall 2017. I honestly don't think we would be as happy as we are now if it weren't for that night.
For the next 2 years we both had anxiety stemming from that night. As far as I know, she no longer has issues from it. I do. I've told her a couple of times that I still think about that night, but it's been getting worse lately. I need to tell her. I love her.
_____
I decided to write this story for everyone to read because I recently read some advice about letting tough memories go. Once I allow this story to no longer be only mine, I can let it go and be free from it's grip. I don't know if this will work, but it's a step in the right direction. That's all I can do.
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