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Dear creatives and dear writers. I hope you can help a fella out.
I don't know if what I'm going to write about is relatable in any way, but I hope you have some time to spare on me.
As selfish as it sounds, I really wish I had a writer friend that I could talk too, who gets me, who I can trust with the ragged, broken edges of my feelings as this brutal, solitary journey threatens to drain me of everything that I am.
I'll be turning 24 when winter comes this year. My teenage years feels like a blur. But that doesn't matter right now.
For eight years now, I've called myself a writer. The title is embedded in my heart and tattooed into my name. It's more apart of me than anything else. I am a writer.
But as the years rush by, falling through my hands like sand, the dream of becoming a published author seems to drift farther and father away.
I'm at a complete loss of purpose right now. I've opened 3 author websites two years ago. I closed them all down this year. I don't know who to talk too. I don't know where my home is on the internet. I don't know where I fit in, or where I want to fit in. I don't know whether or not all this writing is worth it. I don't know who I want to be anymore. I put on a brave face every day. I try to pretend that I'm doing alright. I pretend that I still have hope in this dream.
But there's still all of these lurking, draining, soul sucking questions that will never go away.
Where do I belong?
What am I doing with my life?
Why can't I write anymore?
I know I have talent. I know I can write. And I want to. More desperately than I want anything else. But I just have no idea where in the world I'm supposed to start. Who I'm writing for, and why I matter to them. What audience I'm writing for. Why I should care. How empty and boring and unprofessional all of my accounts look. How incoherent and slapdash all of my creations look. How much of a sham I feel because I have nothing finished to offer, and nothing ready to publish right now, and too much rush and pressure for new ideas that they never come.
And I go through this frustrating cycle every single day of every single month, growing worse and worse until I vent. Until I try to read blog articles and diss at them under my breath because they all suck. And I don't know how much longer I can handle this.
I wish I had a manual. I wish I had a road map. I wish I had a boss. I wish I had direction in my life. The intuition I felt, the certainty that I used to have, the confidence I thought I had? Where I would publish fanfics on a whim, and write whatever? I don't know where that's gone. I want it back, but I don't know how to find it.
Maybe since i've gotten older now, I'm afraid of risk. I'm afraid of losing control. Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist now. But I don't know how to overcome the fear. How to overcome the hurdle. I want success. I want to be published. I want to be able to tell my friends and family that I'm a published author, and that they can have a free copy of my hardcover novel.
I started out so strongly, but the confidence took a nose dive in the last three years.
Advice, sympathy, encouragement and love is much appreciated.
With a tired soul and a bad back,
~ An Alaskan Llama
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Stop what you're doing...work and save and the travel. Go find your passion or muse. Seems like you have writers block and the only way to conquer that is to stop. My advice is to find a second job- a source of steady income and then travel. If not travel fall deeply in love, love does so much and it will definitely evoke your passion for writing once again.Who am I? I am a primary teacher aspiring to publish a few books myself (: the way I do it...i get obsessed...and then i dream and then i write that into my reality.
ReplyWhile reading your comment, I couldn't help but think of a catchphrase. "The world is your writing prompt." It's an interesting way to look at it, and I've never really thought of it that way before."Find a second job with a steady source of income," oh my, if only! A man can dream, but it's definitely good advice. I'll probably work on that this year. I never really considered traveling to be something within my reach, but It's a dumb way to think. Traveling is definitely a good idea, and come to think of it, I was the most inspired when I traveled the most in my youth. My family was always fishing and camping when I was younger, and I seemed to have better ideas back then.I'll consider traveling. If I didn't have a family (with conflicting interests) to support, I would probably be traveling right now. But with the stress of having to help support them, it might have dampened my creativity and motivation in the last few years. I love them dearly, and I don't blame them for anything. It just might play a part in my problems.It's nice to meet you Elle, by the way. Being a teacher is really cool, that must be a lot of work. I'm impressed that you found time to write books! The way I write (or rather, used to write,) is that I dwell on an idea, and expand upon it in little random bursts. Sometimes I get obsessed in the middle of the brainstorming phase. Sometimes I get distracted or bored, and I fiddle with other ideas. It's a very incoherent and annoying process, and I'm still learning on how to make it more efficient.Closing down those last 3 websites felt like a major failure for my personal view on my writing career. I think that's part of the reason why I'm just not interested in writing anymore. I don't know how to stop the cycle of discouragement. I'm still interested in things, I still have hobbies. It's just that I avoid writing all day, every day, and I've been doing that for so long, it's becoming too much to handle. I feel guilty that I don't write anymore. I feel guilty that I haven't finished anything yet. And I'm still angry and upset that my last 3 website projects tanked so fast.Anyways, yeah, by this point I'm just rambling right now, haha. I'm sorry. I guess I just have a lot to get off my chest.Thank you for your comments, Elle.Best regards,
~ An Alaskan Llama
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