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please excuse my spelling in advance. i am strssed asf at the moment, and not really concerned with being a spelling/grammar nazi. my adoptive mother has been an abusive b**** to me since she adopted me in the late 70s. when i turned 30 she finally admitted to my face that she never wanted me, only that she'd adopted me to appease her parents' need of a grandchild. she now has alzheimer's and i have been tasked with her care. i am not a bad person, by any means. i am not abusive to her, although i probably xcould very easily be. i'm not patient with her either, which is a personality flaw, not intentional. i feel no sympathy towards her if she's in pain. i do the minimum requried to keep her going, grocery trips, restaurants etc. i hate every single moment i have to spend with her because of how she treated me growing up, and well into adulthood. she doesn't appreciate anything i try to do for her, and some of it could be due to my attitude towards her, but i cannot let go of the strong dislike i've always felt, and now that she needs me like this i feel nothing but resentment because she treated me worse than an animal my whole life, and now i'm expected to forgive her, move on and take care of her. i'd rather throw her away in a nursing home, but i have a brother who won't let me. he won't help with her care either, so i am at a loss. i have spent my entire adult life helping others in need. from animal rescue to volunteering as various charities/disasters, to serving in the military. my level of compassion runs deep, with one exception and that is my mother. i've even tried to pretend she's someone else's mom, to try and make things better. but, the worst side of me still can't/won't let it go. i actually hate her, and it breaks my heart to admit that. i don't know what i'm going to do as she slowly declines. there's no point in being an awful person and leaving her to her own devices. i mean, she doesn't know who she is half the time, so mistreating her wouldn't prove anything to her or anyone else. i am so angry that fate has placed me in this role of caregiver to my abuser. i've contemplated suicide recently, but i know how stupid that is too. been there, in my youth, not gonna go there again. this is more than mere caregiver burn out.
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