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I look good on paper, but deep down inside I'm a total mess.
I was a very lonely and depressed child, for a number of reasons not worth going into right now. Unsurprisingly, I wasn't the most mature, self-aware kid, so I just buried my feelings and didn't acknowledge them. I blamed myself for being weak, for being not good enough, and in a vicious, depressive cycle, I buried the bad feelings with more bad feelings. And so this demon started growing inside me. And it grew and grew until it infected every single cell in my body. It attached itself to my DNA. It informed every move I made, every decision I made, every single little behavior. And it was ruining my life. I knew deep down inside there was a charismatic and smart girl with so much potential, but I was the only one who knew her, because the demon locked her in a box and took over. It was in my mid-20s that I finally broke down. I was filled with too much sadness, anger and anxiety to be a proper human. That's when I started going to therapy.
Therapy has helped a lot, but there's still that residual darkness left in my DNA, and I believe there always will be. I'm okay most of the time, but every once in a while the depression sneaks in. Sometimes it last for an afternoon, it usually doesn't last for more than a few days. I feel physical pain. My soul hurts. I know now not to ignore it. You have to let that stuff out. No Netflix binging, no social media rabbit holes and definitely no drinking. I find a private room and I cry. Just feel it and cry. Then I taken a nap, wake up, and move on. Maybe take it easy for the rest of the day. Like I'm treating a common cold. I'm in my late 20s now. This is a thing I live with, like a peanut allergy. I hope recognizing it for what it is and writing it in a neat little post will help me deal with it, and I can finally live my life and start forgiving myself.
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