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Life is hard. Everyone can agree on that. But, unfortunately my life has a little extra added to the mix. I have Borderline Personally disorder. I feel trapped in my own head and body. I feel like my actions do not always match what I am feeling in my mind. Most look at me like I am crazy when I try to explain this. I don't always mean to be mean, or act like a Moppy little kid. I also don't mean to act like one personality one minute and another the next. It just happens. I try to control myself but It is very difficult. I know when I am lashing out or when the disorder is taking over. It is kind like when you are watching a video of yourself and you know in that video you are about to trip and fall but you can't do anything about it. It is going to happen whether you are conscious of it or not. I just don't know if I want to keep playing this game that I will always lose. I don't get close to people, I can't have any meaningful relationships, I am horrible with money, and I feel I could lose my job with just one slip up. I am 25 and still live with my mother. I am also not very good at anything I do. What is the point of anything? I am in debt up to my eyeballs, and stress is never ending. I am so alone and no one even knows. I am ugly, fat, selfish, angry, sad, crazy, stupid, broken, impatient, and most of all LOST. I want help but last time I went she didn't want to work with me anymore after just a couple of sessions. What therapist does that! If I try again I feel like the same thing will happen. Everyone around me has struggles of course but at the end of the day they have a happy home and loving family to lean on. What do so have? A broken family that hates me and a dog. I live in a little hole in the wall that is probably on 300 sq feet. And that is what I come home to after working 60 plus hours a week. I feel like I am slowly sinking deeper into a hole that I just can't get out of and the most I scratch and claw the more I hurt myself and everyone around me. I want to be happy. I want a boyfriend, a family with love. I want to open my own business and feel accomplished. I just think that as more time goes on it is just not in the cards for me. The truth is I am going to be alone, suffering in silence. Every time I try to talk about my feelings I get shutdown and hurt. I wish I was someone else that did not have a broken mind.
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I can relate to a lot of the feelings you carry. Living without validation is crippling. I would encourage you to seek out another therapist. This disorder I feel is manageable. No one can fix you. You have to fix yourself. Therapy is a crutch, someone realiable to lean on during self exploration. I still struggle at times, I fall back into old patterns but the episodes are fewer and farther between. You will have to dig down deep and fight your demons. Find something positive out there for you that YOU love, and do more of that. This is my understanding of the path to a better life although I may wrong.
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