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I wonder if she's teasing me, is she trying to push me to my limit? To see how much I want her, is she really just so clueless as to the effect she has on me? It seems like there's no way she couldn't know, but with her, who knows. She's not the type to play games. If I had to marry any one person in my life, for the rest of my life, it'd be her, but she doesn't know that. I told her I like her, I didn't tell her I'm in love with her, so maybe she doesn't know because I won't explicitly say it. I didn't want to, because if I got rejected (and I did), then it'd put more strain on our relationship, and I would've put even more pressure on her. I have a strong tendency to act first and then apologize later, but something about her made me stop so I could sit back and watch her slowly unveil who she was, and it was worth it. I dropped all kinds of hints on the way, kept hitting on her, and she assumed I was just being friendly. I never actually specified what I exactly wanted us to become and maybe that's part of the problem. I have a long streak of being noncommittal, and she's aware of that, but I didn't tell her I didn't want something casual with her (a few hookups and then we're done; no, she's my first choice for marriage), maybe that's part of why she doesn't want anything with me. I want us be something. She came along and pried me right open, and she met me with open arms when we gave to each other. With time, I started falling harder and harder. She confused me, I'd never met anyone like her. We became friends on an off chance, and I knew while it was happening that what I feeling was a slow fall, and then one day months later I woke up from a nap after a long day and saw her name on my phone, and I had a feeling of such deep love and I knew I really cared about her, and it was terrifying. She lit a passion in me. God it just hurts so much because she has no idea what she does to me, and I know that's on me because I let my pride and my fear get in the way and she doesn't know how I truly feel. Even after I confessed that I held some feelings, she was trying to make sure I know she still cares about me. That she loves me. I love her too, I said it first out of the two of us actually. I've never done that before. I told her I didn't mean it then, but I've always meant it. She makes me dizzy. Of course, we're friends above everything else, but it would've been so much easier for her to drop me and everything I felt for her and move on for her life. I'm miles on miles away, but she still wants to stick through it. I think maybe she feels something (seems like she felt something before), and she's afraid of it? To feel something, reciprocate. I know she's never done this before, and this isn't my first rodeo, and I don't know why she'd be afraid if we feel the same way, but she seems a little scared of it. She's not what I initially would have looked for in a partner, but now I think maybe she is what I need. She's clever, patient, adventurous, more of a lover than I am, sensual, smooth, and simply lovely. She's proud of what she stands for, and she will argue with me, and I'm glad. Arguing with her makes me want to kiss her adorable lips. She lights me on fire, brown eyes that have this shine of sensuality and simultaneous innocence, the way she's gently tugs at the lapels on my coat to pull me to her, the whispered 'I've missed you's in my ear that send shocks up my spine. To be able to touch her and to have it mean nothing, her arms around my neck and mine around her waist, to hold her hands, her lips so close I might as well taste them. And it's exasperating, but I also don't want her to stop. It just feels good to know she wants me in some way, or it seems like she does. And really I know it'll go down in flames, because I'm in love with her, and whatever she feels for me, she is denying me, her, us from reaching those high points of exhilaration, love, passion, desire.
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The woe's of unequal passion. I believe you love her. However, I think right now she is also a great source of pain and frustration in your life. If she has any kindness she will give you some time apart so you can get away from the all too powerful fantasy of togetherness. I wish when I had felt this way about a girl in the past someone had told me this: to stop being friends for a couple months. It's too hard to break the fantasy when you spend so much time supporting each other. But the friendship is a lie, because you don't want friendship, you want to be lovers. The best thing you can do for yourself is to make a clean break, I hope you fare better than I did.
ReplyI say tell her straight up how you feel....otherwise she will think you do not care/love her.
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