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I confess
6 years ago · 0
504
Remember that moment when you and your parents talk about finishing college before sarting a relationship? I was able to accomplish that. For 20 years I focused to avoid relationships for the sake of that promise. I valued their wisdom and I did. Well the down side was I did not know how to start a relationship because of the inexperience. So it was that after I graduated I read on how to start one. We it turnd out to be a Russian rullet. The risk it would take and the reward it makes. Since im not much of a risk taker. I decided to focus on something that I can do and achieve. Finding a job and earning. And presto I have a job. Easy as pie. On the job, having a relation ship lingered in me. It was irritating. I would subconsciously rate possibilities of me bing with that woman. Sucks really but most of the time too much reading what women want in a guy just puts you down. Till I met my first. She was quirky, beautiful, talented, smart and we had identical hobbies. We where open to each other all the way. But since im new to realitonships, I lacked allot. She was not knew to it and as all realtionships that would lack. It breaks. I then broke the ice and asked her nicely. Have you been honest with me? Silence was on the room and she started crying. At that moment I knew she was seeing another guy. I asked if they where in love and said yes. Feeling betrayed I broke up with her not that there is anyting to break up to but making it official. Being logical I accepted that I was lacking and it was inevitable to happen. Then the stages of grief sinked in, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance again. It was painful, I know it is a given since she was my first. But to think it took a piece off me and left broken in pieces. It made me insecure, depressed, suspicious and empty. I nearly killed my self several times because of what happened. It like the dramas that I hate. Consciously I was logical, subconciously I was not. Because of the pain I decided to avoid relationships for 7 years. And so I did become avoidant. Generally any relationship. I was alone. Depression took me by the neck like a vice grip. For 5 years I searched for meaning. And I was able to find the answer. As the old saying say. Be who you are and they will love you and its not the look but the attitude was a total BS. The real answers were live for your self and not for others, you reap what you sown, act your morals, nobody loves an indecent man, be a leader strong and superior, be stable and most of all be knowledgeable and experienced. Perfect man if you ask me. And so I set out to be one. I placed my effort for months and thats where the problem arised. I did not have any inspiration. No drive to pursue that improvement. I gradually regressed. A few months passed, I decided to hell with this and started doing what I wanted to do. And that's when I did something for my self. Just accepting what my mind wanted to do. I was able to do it even without planning. It was rewarding. But along the way of self fulfillment. I noticed there was something lacking. I was sharing the memories with someone special. Again I subconsciously was insearch of someone special. I found her as one of my colleague, she is the very description of a keeper. But the commitment I made and idealism I wanted to gain set to not even try to out a relationship. Because of the obvious fact that no one will accept me as I am or the relationship would fail. For months I kept it to my self. Making excuses and acting falsely. Till the day she was set to transfer to another work place. I had the support of my work mates who knew that I had feelings for her. But being logical I know she would reject me. I risked the odds of 99% fail and 1% success rate. She stated I can only offer you friendship. I was rejected, believing in that 1% was a fools gold. Surprisingly it did not feel worse than before. The pain is there but tolerable. Realizing that I was still not enough. I decided to continue with my commitment. To be a person worth acceptaning. The pain lives in me but I will be fighting along with its lessons.
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