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Kind young man. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong career path, need friends, money, and romantic love. Wants to heal people.
6 years ago · 8 · Career, +5
1178
Hi, I'm reaching my late twenties. And I don't know how to say all of this.
I was a good pupil. I'm born in a country I don't like it. The more I learn about how things are going there, the less I like it. I was good before, then everyone left me, then I failed.
I got myself a three-year law degree. Then, I tried three times a fourth year, somewhere else, somewhere more complicated. I needed to be fond of law to get further, the master level. But I'm not. I simply went so far for the feeling of accomplishment, I was there and I needed to move on, I was more interested in ficitons than reality, but I slowly but steadily started to approach. I tried to go there as a warrior. Break the stone in front of me, no matter what. It failed. Then Itried to take the fun way. Let's do it, it will be fun. It wasn't one second, it failed. Then I took it simply, simply for winning, focusing on winning rather than professionnal outcome, for my own appreciation. It won...halfway. I tried to go further, I felt I had to. I eventually failed. Every timethe perspective of being a lawyer had to be felt. Every time I needed to be die hard invested. Every time I needed to go with no one around me to please at all.
I don't ignore the deep credentials a lawyer must have. A lawyer is a defender. But not any defender, I fear. He must defend with conviction, deep beliefs, with an emotional distance from his clients. In dire times, he needs to be cold. Ambitious, he needs teeth sharper than the heart.
But...this is not who I am. I discovered what a true lawyer is, understanding the world around me. They usually tend to give a cold shoulder, they have great, undying, unbreakable self-esteem, AND PEACE WOULD BE A TRAGEDY FOR THEIR BUSINESS. Too bad, I prefer peach to conflict.
I do not will to judge. Matter of fact, it's nice to see that some people can find happiness within the heart of a crisis. Not everyone needs to suffer then. I'm clearly not one of them, though.
Problem being that...I always looked forward to progress, to wake up every morning as a better person, for me, for my family, for my friends, for everyone. And I read far enough into law to know it's not the best thing for me. I can't go further in it for me. It's ungrateful and deeply impersonal, very unhealthy for self consideration. I can't do it for the law. Its link with justice and morals is elastic, and the theories always deceive in the face of reality. For my family? They need me to be fine and independent, they wdon't mingle with details.
What to do then?...I don't have convictions, I don't stand on a soap box to defend a defintie point of view. How to be a lawyer when you don't stand for one person, simply not to hurt the feelings of its opponent? That's how I am. It's not fear, it's rather empathy. I feel twice the pain I cause. I do not really know the sense of the law in my heart. But I don't know the sense of pain. I'm always sensitive to the pain of the others. Willing to have them go better. Not because it's annoying to have a party pooper. I don't like parties anyway. But to see them smile from the bottom of their heart. I'd be willing to try my best to heal people's pain. Especially when the mind is involved. I want to be a psychologist.
I was born a weird kid. My mind, working differently than everyone else's. All my life. That was worth a healthy obsession. I never lose a single information on psychology, never lose sight of psych when I feel like something would be done. Always feel sorry for the wrongdoers, lost in their own curse. I don't want to give a cold shoulder. I don't want to erect a wall of law between me and an actual human being. My existence would be senseless if my heart wasn't so open to other people's feelings. When I was a kid, I did suffer from the others, but...not too much. I wasn't said conflictual. I wasn't said ill-willed. I was said sad and weird indeed. But also smart. And mostly kind. I was told a nice person. My best quality on Earth is being kind. And now I'll take the courage. The courage, because I'm not ashamed to be kind in a world where most people are unkind by untold willingness or simple ignorance and bad education. The Courage to live as kind as I am, despite not being understood in my ways. The Courage to lead myself to the right path for me. The Courage to stand to the most serious of all the judges, and say : I truly, truly mean no harm. And that makes me shine. Don't ask me to fight you. Because I'll suffer twice the harm I cause you.
But...six years for nothing? I now love my mother more than I did before. Again, weird kid. I told everyone and everyone told me I'd become a great lawyer. But I don't want it anymore. I always hid a part of myself to everyone. In the fear of rejection, I lived so lonely...I couldn't risk it, I thought. But how to make it, after all that?
How to get my friends and family to accept my choice...Not in position to make an announcement without the meat backing everything up alright.
I have currently few relations, I never worked in my life, I don't live with much emulation and I felt romantic love for years without living it even once. Most people don't understand me when I talk of myself.
I'm frustrated, I have not enough friends, no girlfriend, no money making activity, I feel out of place, out of time and I still run for life.
I need friends, love and money before I can fully embrace my turn, and fully enjoy my calling as a psychologist.
I don't ask what to do. I simply say who I am.
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It sounds like you found your calling and there for you should follow it.
Kindness is a very strong trait to have as it is what is needed to help heal and to understand.
I wish you the very best of luck.
ReplyThank you, thank you a lot. Matter of fact, would you believe my surprise, when I cared about the people who distrusted me, who even bullied me. Sometimes I even befriended them without even realizing it! I just...I can't be any other way. Funny, isn't it?
ReplyI hear what you are saying and I think it's fantastic that you are kind and helpful. And wanting to be a psychologist, I personally think it's never too late to follow your dreams or change your path. I'm wondering if you could use your power as a lawyer to help fight for human rights? Help defend the poor, people who can't afford a good lawyer? Just wondering if you thought of that kind of thing..
ReplyFighting for human rights is a noble endeavor. It does require a good heart, but also a bird's eye view. I'm a nice detail freak. Human rights is over there, noble endeavor. But psychology is right here where I can see it.Besides, I did think about it. I always tried to humanize the world of the law. I can think of many people who would do this. However, because I thought of it, I saw what was to come then. The picture wasn't bright, or satisfying enough. I woudln't be of any help if I felt to much out of place, right?I have learnt. I have heard. I have seen. I know the psych is a better material to fix for me than the law. But thanks for your consideration, it does go from your message to my heart.
ReplyI think you will make an excellent psychologist! Your heart is in the right place, the people you care for will be very lucky to have someone who genuinely cares;) I wish you lots of luck and success..
ReplyI can most definitely understand what you mean. I just have to point out one thing you may not have considered. It's wonderful that you are so kindhearted, so forthcoming with helping others that I'm assuming it's a natural impulse? But I can see something that may make that very difficult, you have strong emotion, and sensitivity to others. I'm assuming you are strongly empathetic? I am too, to the point that it can be painful. That mental block you discuss being needed as a lawyer, well as a psychologist you will need one as well. Hearing peoples pain, frustrations, daily struggles, can be a wear down process. That is why those in therapeutic areas have their own therapists, to ensure they do not buckle under the weight of supporting others. The block will almost always be there when you in direct contact with 'customers' and you will always have to follow rules set out by your employer in how to help them. You seem to have a 'white hat', 'knight in shining armor' vibe.I'm not saying you're in anyway wrong, I think if it isn't making you happy that it's time to give yourself a better view of where your life is headed. My father did an exercise/class in university that he also had me try. Perhaps this is something that will aid you, you seem to unafraid of a little work/mental contemplation.Basically you make a heading 1 year, and list where you'd like to see yourself (in different aspects of your life, in friendship, relationships, jobs, school, mental state, accomplishments), then write 5 years, and follow the same list but where you'd have hoped to advance to by then. The list consists of 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, so on (depending on how much you'd like to do, and in which intervals). I preferred to also add 2 years, and 3 years.Then I stash the list away, and break it out in a year or two and check myself. Have I followed what I wished for ? Have my needs varied, and led to new goals/accomplishments? Did something take longer then planned? You can also modify/create a new list.My father and I both still have ours, to say the least he has done everything on his bucket list. He was a workaholic mind you, and missed out on some of the better things. Sometimes a career is what helps you fulfill what makes you happiest, a family, a home? I lost my dream career, and had to restart. This has caused me to realize our dreams aren't concrete and they change/differ as we grow and change.Best of luck, I hope you find what makes you happy.
ReplyThis exercise you give me is worth trying. Thanks!I did consider the barrier.
The intention behind this barrier is, you may understand, slightly different.I must protect myself to heal your mind
sounds more promising to me
than I must protect myself to get you your money from your wife.Sadly, law is mostly about money. It kinda hit me within six years of study.Fortunately, psychology is about people...who may or may not afford therapy, I understand.I read people better than money, that's how it is.
I'm one of those people. I too can be a patient.Again, thanks a lot.
ReplyOh yes, I understand completely what you are saying and I like it, Mr. White Knight. You want more out of life, and you have the passion, and drive for it. Money only goes so far. Not everyone can afford therapy, but I don't think I'm the first to say...everyone could use a little hahaI hope your side of the world is kind, and supportive of your dream. Save as many as you can Mr. White Knight, but don't forget to save yourself, or at least make sure someone is still in your corner looking out for you while you're busy saving the world.
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