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My name is Jack. I'm 16 years old and am currently staying with my mother in Las Vegas for the summer. Despite my generally privileged life I can't seem to be happy. I've narrowed it down to a couple reasons. Firstly my feelings towards my parents. Despite me loving them dearly I harbour some sort of resentment towards both of them. Firstly my dad for letting his job as a journalist move me twice. Despite the first time from New York to Berlin being pretty good due to me making some of my best friends there it was incredibly painful for me to leave them when we moved to London. London was a nightmare. The schools were strict, I hated uniforms and at the first school people wouldn't stop making fun of my accent. After two years of this I decided to go to boarding school which I will be at next year. I'm doing so partially to get away from it all but also to possibly show him what that pain of being without someone you care about is like. My mom however is a different story. Unlike my dad she doesn't have a lot of money and is barely scraping by. It's also worth mentioning that despite being a breast cancer survivor she smokes constantly. Of course having cancer isn't her fault but seeing her destroy herself with that is incredibly painful for me. Because of these things my goal is to be like my parents as little as possible. Even though I have my priorities straight I've realized that I'm still unhappy. I'm writing this because of what happened today. Annoyed with my mother's scraping by I idiotically demanded she give me the fifty dollars she borrowed from me a few weeks earlier. She told me she hadn't paid me back because she had no money due to paying for other things to make me happy. She then told me whilst crying how embarrassing it is to have to borrow money from her teenage son which caused me to break down in guilt. I realized how much of an asshole I was and begged for forgiveness. She did and we made up but I now feel guilty as all hell. The only thing that came out of it was that I now know why I'm unhappy. It may sound cliché but you cannot buy happiness. All the enjoyable things in my life don't make me happy. They distract me from how unhappy I actually am. I know I come off as a spoiled brat and I'm sorry. Last week at an amusement park I would desperately rush to a new ride after I finished one because in between each ride I would feel a sense of loneliness and despair and would want to distract myself from it as quickly as possible. I just want to be with someone. Friends, family, it doesn't matter. Just someone to talk to and feel acquainted with. This I know will make me happy. At least I hope so. So now I'm writing this. It's 10:20 at night, my mom is asleep and I'm trying to figure out what to do next. Hopefully being closer to people in boarding school will help. Writing this as a form of therapy has helped. Thank you for reading. If you have any advice on how to help myself please let me know.
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