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I suffer from depression. What a shocker, so do a lot of people. But lately, especially after Chester Bennington passed by suicide, it sparked something in me that triggered my depression.
Over the past several years, I have relied on Linkin Park's music to cope with a lot of hardships in my life. For instance, living with abusive parents, watching them beat each other and me up, having the bible shoved down my throat although i don't believe in it, having political ideologies shoved down my throat when I don't agree with them, never being told I'm loved, being neglected since a young child, as opposed to my three brothers, being told by my parents that they never wanted a daughter, moving with my three brothers to another state and leaving me with my grandparents, my parents didn't even contact me for a whole year. I didn't even know if they were alive, etc. then, when I turned 16, I found love in a guy 10 years older than me. He turned out to be abusive, but I loved him so much, because it was the closest thing I've ever had to love. I got pregnant a month after turning 18, and my ex started using drugs again. I moved back in with my mom for the sake of my daughter, and then started college, and got a job to support my daughter. My mom kicked me and my daughter out onto the streets with nowhere to go, and I was homeless for a couple of months. I finally got a place to live, but ever since, I've been forced to work, go to school, be a mom, get good grades, etc. and doing this forces you to sacrifice sleep, self care, mental health, etc. I've been doing this for seven years.
I've never had an easy life, and I've always been in pain because of life stresses. I have nobody to turn to for help with my daughter, my ex doesn't help me at all financially, he lives on the opposite side of the state (since I moved for college), and he only RARELY calls to "check up on us", as if to mock us and my hardships. Rationally, I know that there's a lot of people that have had things way worse than me, and rationally, I know that I've been made to feel that way because of stereotypes surrounding mental illnesses. But I hurt so bad, and life is still going on when I just want to put everything on pause and self care. Unfortunately, I don't have that freedom, because I'm a single mom, I'm a student in physics at one of the top universities in the world, and I should be happy...but I'm not. I would say in general, I'm a happy person, but this depression clouds that sometimes, and I don't know how to cope anymore. I have this strong urge to just........quit everything. Quit school. Quit being a mom. Quit hurting. I don't know what's going to happen, and it's scared. I'm forcing myself to push through my depression, but it just keeps getting worse and more prevalent.
I don't like seeing counselors, because it forces me to relive things in my past that I don't usually care to bring back up. I also feel like... the person doesn't know me well, doesn't genuinely care about ME in particular, they are there because they are being paid to be there. They are there because they want to help, yes, but that doesn't make me feel like I have someone to come to. I don't like crying in front of a stranger, or opening up to a stranger, unless I can remain anonymous... hence why I'm here. But I just don't know what to do anymore. I keep bumping Linkin Park because it has helped me cope through the years, but knowing that Chester Bennington committed suicide, and watching his cries for help, and listening to the lyrics of the music.... it just hurts me, because I know how he feels. I feel dead inside too, sometimes. I just don't know how far this is gonna get before I do something stupid.
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The simple truth, you need one or two good friends. A community of people who can lift you up.Music helps, it is a good outlet you can use anywhere. There are other good outlets like exercise, cooking, baking, singing, dancing, even puzzles with your daughter can help. But there is no replacement for a supportive community.So, where to find one? And where to find the time for one?The Women's center on campus will have some good people you can befriend. I would also suggest finding a club on campus that you can bring your daughter to, and show a little more of the real you. A church community could also work, they have youth activities for your daughter.Lastly, success can be hard. It can be hard because no one says "I'm sorry". No one says "I'm sorry for how hard you've struggled". I recently graduated with my chemical engineering degree and it was very depressing. Even my family only sees the result, and doesn't know the war that raged every day in my heart to fight and get that degree.To you I say this: "I'm sorry for how hard your life has been""I'm proud of all you have accomplished""You have my deepest respect""I wish you the greatest happiness"Good luck my friend.
ReplyThank you, that means a lot. However, I do, ironically, make friends really easy, and I have built a supportive community here since I've been here. I make sure I only surround myself with non-judgemental people, and ones who share a moral integrity with me, etc. but ironically, that's not the problem. I think the problem is that I don't care to come to people with my feelings unless I'm like best friends with them, and they go through similar things as me... I guess it's people I find relatable and am simultaneously close with... I have about three best friends, but I still only feel like one of them really knows how to comfort me when I'm feeling this way, because she goes through similar things too.. but it's not fair to her for me to come all the time to her with all of my feelings. It's weird, I have a very supportive community, yet only feel like there's one person that gets me through everything.
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