Is this even love?

Let me just start by questioning myself. Let me start with wondering as to how and why I allowed myself to be put in this position once again. I can't sit here and blame you wanting to understand yourself before you could understand me. We spoke multiple times trying to figure out why neither of us were willing to break down the wall that stood between us. The answer was simple, we weren't. I never had a problem with trusting people...I was always the girl that seemed to let everyone in no matter who it was. I trusted every wrong person. I trusted the people who hurt me. I trusted the people who begged me to let them be. I trusted the people that didn't deserve to hear the pain I went through. So, as you sat in front of me and told me I was beautiful, I flinched and rolled my eyes...Telling myself you were only said those 3 words because i would be laying next to you within the next 5 minutes. You were the first person I finally decided not to let in. However, you were also the first person that truly touched my heart. You were the first person that knew to hold me when my hands started to shake. You were the first person that tickled my back to help me fall asleep when you knew I couldn't sleep without some kind of touch. You watched me tear up after you promised me you'd always do your best to make me happy. You understood my anxiety, my fears, my family and my feelings. That was more than anyone had ever given me. You told me everyday to progress...To wake up earlier, to force myself to eat so I could be healthy again, to love myself no matter how big I thought i was because you saw me as beautiful. You showed me that my mind was more important than my body. That my happiness was more valuable than anything in this entire world. You knew I struggled with my personality...But you assured me that it was your favorite part about me. You told me my heart was gold and I was a beautiful soul. You told me I was the only person who could understand you, just as you understood me.

When you grabbed my hands and told me I would be just as strong without you, everything I had just so recently discovered about myself left me. You grabbed my face because you knew those words hurt me more than anything I had ever heard. You pulled me in and held me until I was done shaking, just as i had 30 minutes earlier when you had told me some of your deepest secrets.

Timing isn't always perfect and there's always the future. Knowing neither of us could give our all hurt both of our hearts...But damn do I pray somehow somewhere we will.