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I keep finding myself in situations where "catch feelings" for someone who is still not over their ex. Its been a staple for my love life for the past year or so, and it has happened twice now. Its heart wrenching. I think mostly because I want someone who I can be vulnerable with, I'm not afraid to show emotion, I may even show too much I guess. Idk, I guess I just have a thing for girls who will leave on the drop of a dime if their ex returns into their lives.
The first time it happened I was stupid enough to keep things going with the girl. Essentially, she would "talk" to both of us at the same time. That shit sent me into a whirlwind of emotions. A lot of my insecurities came into light, I started becoming paranoid when ever I saw her reach for her phone, and when ever I saw her going out on snapchat, I would watch it 30 times to see if I saw the other guy somewhere in the background. He was there most of the time. Up until he wanted all of her attention, but she was reluctant since he had the habit of coming and going from her life when he pleased. So, after a long argument, she burned that bridge. Which sounds like a good thing right? I thought so too.
3-4 weeks or so go by and its the end of the semester. She's busy with finals and studying so we dont hang out for almost 2 full weeks, and the one day we do plan to hang out we get into a stupid argument because of miscommunication. She passed by my job and had told me she was gonna visit a friend and we should grab drinks when I clocked out. I told her I could have left at 11pm since I was already on the clock for over 12 hours, She didn't give me an answer but did say she will text me. This happened at 9pm by the way. 11pm comes by and I'm just about done with all my work. Still no reply. I keep myself occupied thinking she was gonna text me soon. 11:15 comes by, then 11:45, then 12:15. I clocked out and went home, assuming things happened and we wouldnt be seeing each other that night. Right when I park my car outside my house, I sent her a text explaining how upset i was, only to have it blow up in my face since she was under the impression we would have seen each other after I got out on my regular time at midnight. That pretty much sealed our fate. we go from talking every single day to saying hi every 3-4 days.
2 weeks after the argument, I see her on snapchat in what seemed to be a dinner date with some other guy. My snapchat got filled with shade towards her. I know she removed me at some point, but its been months since and has added me back. We don't talk though. Unless I post a song she likes on SC and asks for the name. That's pretty much it.
The other time was also self induced. Idk maybe I just wanted an excuse to feel like shit. After I got over the first girl, I met this one. Met playing pool with a group of friends, didn't really think anything would happen, but I gave her a ride home after hanging out another night, and we just clicked. We started talking about life, and different views and philosophies of living. It was something I was never used to talking about. And by talking about, I mean someone talking and me chiming in every couple paragraphs, cause I don't talk much. I've always prefered listening. She loved talking, I loved listening. Maybe thats why it worked for a while.
Anyway after just platonicly talking for about 2 weeks, things start becoming more and more intimate. We went out for drinks one night by her old school to this speak easy she liked. It was awesome. Then took me to this overpass that overlooked a highway next to a river. It was gorgeous. We had our first kiss there. It was the best night I had in a very long time. We both knew this was to be a temporary thing since she was finishing school abroad and wouldn't return for 4-6 years. But I think we both had a part of us wishing things allowed us to commit to each other.
2-3 weeks go by and things are going great. but then one night out of the blue she calls me saying something along the lines of "I'm so sorry. but I have to go check on my ex. He's feeling suicidal and I have to go make sure hes ok." She was aware of how things with my last girl ended. So i couldn't help to think this was a spit in the face after having a couple drinks. I end up drunk texting her, it was ugly. she apologized and explained how they were best friends at some point, but at point kissed and was enough to spark what would have been a relationship, had he not been in the navy and goes MIA on months on end.
Things should have ended there. You would think i learned my lesson the first time, but turns out im a fucking lonely depressed idiot, and kept talking to her. she was afraid i would get too attached, (I definately did) and i somehow convinced not only her but myself I wouldnt, so even after that set back, we continued to talk and hang out after a week or so. she goes away for 2 weeks since shes prepping to move, and i begin to get over her. but when she comes back i realized how much i missed being around her. I felt my happiest when i was with her.
I took her to one of her favorite bars not too long after her coming back to the US. she ends up having too much to drink. I took her home, but she has a breakdown when I park outside her place. she begins to weep and say how I deserve someone better. someone who will return the feelings i had for her, and how im too good to her. She was the most inspiring person I have ever met. Kindhearted, protective, beautiful, incredibly intelligent, and filled with so much drive. Yet she couldnt see that in herself. She only saw her mistakes, her wrong doings, her imperfections, a burden I know all too well. Perhaps that's why I grew so attached. We had matching scars.
That night was the last time I saw her. she ghosted me for a couple days after. I guess she had the realization that she was leading me on that night. and how she would never be able to return such feelings because she is still not over her best friend. I try to be friendly as I can when ever she reaches out to me. She loves puns so when ever I find a good one I send it her way. But my heart drops when ever I hear her custom text message notification go off. I watch her snap chats 100 times a day.
She got lost in NYC last week, and I was seconds away to making the trip to pick her up to make sure her friend and her got home safe. She reassured someone would come to pick her up, I was an hour away, this other person was much closer. She wanted to meet for food the other day. I told her I couldnt. Said I'm doing my best to get over her, and seeing her again would only set me back. She didnt know the feelings were this strong, but to be fair, neither did I until now.
To be completely honest, I have no idea why I wrote this. Doubt this will get any comments or replies, I don't really know the traffic this site gets. but I guess it was worth a shot as a first post. writing has always helped me out, I kept a journal during highschool. not sure where it is now. My Best friend started keeping a journal. I might do the same. maybe ill post some of them up here. idk. we'll see.
-Ahryn
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it seems to me that these two women were rather disloyal. don't let your guard down, ever. i've already broke my own heart with that. my ex girlfriend is dating a guy who beat me up and pushed me around with his friends. funny thing is, you would never guess that evil side of him, he's quite charming when he wants to be. anyway, you need build a wall around your heart and only allow those who've earned your trust through it.
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