body image

We are all humans living in the same body for the rest of our lives. Its our choice to change hair colour, weight or face structor. Its hard to fall involve with ourselves. But why do we want to change when god blessed each of us with unique bodies to fit us personally? We stand in front of the mirror looking our ourselves fresh out of the shower from the front, side to side and from the back. We squeeze that extra fat we have on our stomachs and arms. We wonder how much better would we would look with big lips, long hair or being skinny. Then its hard to stay in the mind set of telling yourself you are beautiful when its you starring at yourself in the mirror like a blank canvas , the room being silent and all you can hear is your thoughts. Thats how it starts, or at least for me it did. I hear how the people I'm surrounded by , weigh less then me. I used to always be hungry and id embrace it , i loved food i was always eating. Was i fat at this point? maybe a little over weight but not fat. I started to go to the gym almost everyday for an hour. I saw girls walk around with their thin bodies and the muscular men who would check all those girls out. I would think to myself " girls with curves are the way to go". Suddenly my mindset did a 180. I went from saying curves are the way to go, to saying i want to be skinny. i wanted a normal body that god did not want me to have. Now I'm stuck and feel like my personally is getting flushed away with the weight I'm loosing. i wake up, i run to the scale to check if I'm dropping weight and then i stand there sucking in to see my ribs starting to show. i see my collar bones coming out. But I'm still not skinny. I stand there very well knowing I've dropped 25 pounds. Most people when they wake up is what breakfast will i have today? My thought is , what can i eat to manage my hunger with the least amount of calories. Im stuck and can't get out my head. I'm scared of food and i have people asking how i lost my weight, how i make my body look the way i do, how good i look. would i ever tell them how? No. i wouldn't recommend how i eat and feel to anyone. i went from always wanting to eat, hyper and happy girl; to a girl who is scared of food even if it means being sick, i work out for 2 hours with sometimes nothing in my stomach. I feel tired all the time and never want to see anyone, when i do go out it feels like i have to pull all the energy out of my body to go out and its hard. Its summer and instead of the sun coming out i wish for it to rain so i have an excuse to say why I'm not going out. We listen to people telling us how gorgeous we are but it feels like when we look at ourselves in the mirror we see a whole other person. So i ask myself what do those see when they look at me? true beauty or a cry for help that needs the compliments? In both ears i hear "eat" and in my head i hear "push through the hunger". I sit here wondering what went wrong and when will i accept the body i was born with? the answer is i don't know.