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Most people don't accept or express that. But, yes i am jealous. I am jealous of her. We are not close. We don't have any values for each other. Yet, I am so jealous of her. We are nothing like similar. I am jealous of her because she is living a life i wanted to live. That's the life i have dreamed of and more.
She was no one before 4 and half years ago. The first impression with her was clearly like we can't be friends. But i didn't thought to be a rival. It's her attitude that made me hate her in first place. She is a snob and wanted everything as she said. Well that was first impression. Then i started to hate her each and every act and talks. It kinda started to irritate me. Hate for her increased so much that if someone calls her name in front of me, the hot blood run through my veins. But i had a fake smile and just hmm the context. I didn't realize since when i started to compare myself with her. That was not my motto. I am different. and i was happy about it. I was happy that i am not her.
She is beautiful and talented. I am also pretty and hard working and talented. One additional thing of her is she is lucky. (I guess) and more talented. (may be due to more resources and support?) She topped the semester that i wanted to. She won competitions that i also tried hard. She proved to be excellent in her field. And i am still struggling. But people don't see my hard work. They see me as lazy and slow fellow. By the way, we are in same field. And every time she succeed in something, that kills me.
Sometime i think if i am wrong? I don't think so that she has any intentions to down me anyhow. May be she doesn't even see me as equal rival. It's me that has grown this hatred so much that this comparison is killing me. But i don't find it fair. I am working so hard on every thing and i am always being an average. Is she born talented? What is with her that isn't with me? What lacks me that binds my leg with chain to climb up? Why do i always stuck in being average?
Inspiring people says don't see yourself as average. You have much more capability than you could think of. I don't think myself as average. Expecting something greater increases my confident level. When the impact is not fruitful, my self esteem downs by 10 times. And i am never satisfied with my outcome. I want perfectionism. I have a big dream. I wanted to see myself to great place in life. I want to do excellence in my field. i want to welfare people with my skills. I want to care and make happy to my loved and closed ones.
I know being jealous of someone is not worthy. I know just wanting some thing so much doesn't fulfill wishes. I know comparing yourself with other makes no good. I know what is right and wrong, what is good and bad. But it's human nature. We tend to do that. It's really hard to let go of such bad habits. But i can reduce it and focus more on positive and worthy sides. First of all, I should stop comparing myself with other, especially with her. This will teach me to learn to respect me and my personalities. Then, I should stop being jealous of her and achievement. This will teach me to enjoy achievements of my life although small. Because i have my own timeline and she has hers. May be this is her time to shine. May be i will get that chance and more that that in my timeline. This will teach me to have hope and inspire me to work and continue faith in me. Then lastly, i should be more smart than being just hard working, utilizing time in worthy stuff and be more conscious and destruct laziness and procrastinate. I will just do what i think right and do it right without expecting any outcome. Whether i win or fail, i will enjoy what i experience. Wish me luck!! ;)
Dreaming big is what one should do and to achieve dreaming is just not enough. Work to get it in reality. Want and work for it so much that every opposite force will be tired of trying to fail you or fail you.
P.s. To her: You are no longer my rival. I have wasted enough valuable time of mine thinking to defeat you or crying on your success. I have my timeline. i will live my life on my own way. I don't care about you or, anything that concerns about you. Just go to hell.
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