My thoughts this Friday evening.

Why am I here on a Friday evening? The weather's perfect. I live in a big city with lots to do for a 22 year old. Why am I alone locked inside a room writing this for complete strangers to read?

One. I hate my job. I think. I used to want to be a programmer all my life. Now I am a programmer. I used to have fun writing code, but now that I write it for a living, I hate it. I still want to be a programmer. Maybe I'm not the 'right kind' of programmer right now. I don't know. Maybe it's the 1 hour of traffic I have to struggle through to reach work. And then write code to make somebody else's worthless vision come true. I don't know. This was supposed to have meaning. I was supposed to be solving problems. Am I solving problems?

Two. I have no friends. No real friends. I miss my real friends. I do have people I talk to here. People who I share laughs with everyday. But they probably wouldn't mind if I wasn't around instead. I wish I could meet my real friends. They'd set me straight and then joke about it 2 days later. But they're very far away and have lives of their own. So here I am. No friends.

I used to have goals. I used to have motivation. I still try to eat clean. Workout. All that. But going after my goals is tough when I have to convince myself to get out of bed everyday.

I tell myself it's the fact that I'm socially handicapped. I've never really had a romantic relationship either. I take time to build strong relationships with people. It's been over a year. When will it happen? When will I have a friend I could talk to without holding back. When will I get to go out and see everything this city has to offer?

When will I stop dreading going to sleep, knowing that I'll have to go through another day tomorrow? With all this... loneliness.

I realize my problems are nothing compared to most people's problems. I honestly didn't even write this for advice. I just had to get this off my chest some way and this seemed like the best place. Maybe now I'll feel better. I hope I'll feel better.