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I’ve heard a million times over that smiling, regardless of your mood, can actually make you FEEL happier. I don’t understand why it doesn’t work for me…
I’m the girl that’s always wearing a big smile; the girl that makes it even bigger as you walk by, and maintains it no matter how long you engage with me. Truthfully, I am always happy to share smiles, and in that moment perhaps it’s genuine…but each of you takes it with you when you walk away - and not one of you realizes it.
I’m the girl that is connected with SO MANY people. The average person would say I have a lot of friends, a winning personality, a dream girl to date, or hire, or be friends with…
But my heart feels neglected, almost every single day. I am in desperate need of genuine affection that no one seems willing to give me. I get plenty of “attention” from the world, but none that soothes my soul…none that heals my heart…none that quiets my anxious and critical mind.
People all my life have called me things like “sunbeam”, “golden-hearted”, “life of the party”…and I’m not saying that’s not who I am….but most of the time, that not how I FEEL. Most of the time, I feel like I am lighting myself on fire so that the rest of the world feels warm.
I want to be held, and conversed with, and loved fully for who I am. I want to feel wanted more than needed. I want to feel desired. I want to feel invested in emotionally. I want someone, anyone, in my life to speak life into my heart and make me believe I really do mean the world to them.
I need someone to tell me that I matter, that I’m worthy of selfless love, that I am special and important and that I make a difference. I need someone to talk to me less about my appearance and more about my heart. I need to be touched, often, by someone who loves me.
I walk through life some days with a knot in my throat ready to burst into tears at a moment’s notice, but no idea why other than an unexplainable loneliness that I don’t even think anyone would believe I had, if I tried to tell them.
I feel like no one in my life is willing to do for me what I would for them, that no one in my life loves me as much as I love them…and I’ve always told myself that isn’t the point…that what we give is what matters and while I still believe that is true, I am starving…desperate for something to fill this emptiness I feel…unable or unwilling to ask for it as somehow in my mind that makes it fake…
All I want is for all the yearning to stop. I’m not asking for happiness or to be loved…at this point all I want is for my heart to not want either one SO badly.
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