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Two months ago I lost my mother to cancer. No one expected her to go, least of all me. We were very close, she was my best friend, and the person I was closest to in the world. She suffered for the last months of her life because the pain became so intense. This June I came home for summer break, I didnt expect that it would be the last break that I would spend with her. We celebrated my birthday together, and I was happy to be home, but also preoccupied with relationship problems. My boyfriend and I were supposed to meet over the summer, but I just couldnt with the way things were with my mom. But I kept thinking that maybe I could, I tried to be hopeful because I wanted it to work- i wanted us to be together and I was scared that otherwise he would leave. He was the only person outside of my family who I spoke to nearly everyday, and gave me some of the attention that I needed because I didnt have any friends or people that I was close to at school. But he became upset and I couldnt deal with his anger as well as the stress of taking care of my mom and seeing all that she was going through. I was the one who stayed downstairs with her at night, and helped her to the bathroom. I tried my best to comfort her when she cried out in pain and called for her parents who had died many years before. It was so hard to see her like this, and it broke my heart.
As time went on she seemed to lose consciousness and we had to take her to the hospital in an ambulance. I was scared and surprised when the EMT asked my dad if he had a Do Not Resuscitate order for my mom, I couldnt imagine that she wasnt going to get better. They only said that she wasnt getting enough oxygen which I thought they could fix. But she had to be intubated at the hospital, and she screamed and tried to hard not to let it happen, I can still remember her shriek when she was finally intubated. It was so hard to see her suffer, but all I could do was sit there quietly and try to be strong.
My mom spent a week in the ICU intubated before they took out the tube and she was only on oxygen. She wrote to use as much as she could even with her shaking and weak hand. Two days after being off the tube we were called in because my mom wasnt doing well on the oxygen, we stood outside her room talking to the doctors when she started to become short of breath she tried so hard to breath, but she couldnt get enough air. I watched her, and i saw her stop breathing, I saw her die in front of me. Over 25min the doctors tried to bring her back, and they were able to but from then on she was heavily sedated until she died a few weeks later. I never got to hear her say goodbye or tell me she loved me, I never got to do the same and see her hear me. There are so many things that I did wrong in our relationship, like not believing that she loved me as much, shutting her out from my life, being cold and distant and just so angry. Now that she's gone I live with this grief and regret for all the things that I didnt do. All I wish is that she was here, because I love her and it hurts more than I could ever have imagined. But I cant let anyone know, every day its just pretending that its all ok, and that Im fine. I can laugh and smile and joke around, but its all on the surface, its just a mask for how much it hurts. Soon I will be back in school without my best friend, the person who has seen me through everything, and i dont know what Im going to do because at school I dont have anyone, and my family is far away. I dont think my boyfriend and I are going to stay together, he wasnt as there for me as I needed, but I lied and said he was and that I was fine. Ive gotten so used to people leaving and accepting what I say to them, that I can just lie and know that they wont bother to see if Im really ok. But thats not the reason why we wont be together, he said he wanted to fix things but at the same time he messages me infrequently and he had said that even though it should be me it isnt. That hurt me the most, because I really needed someone to be there for me, and not just as I friend, but at this point I think thats all he wants- to be friends and I need more than that. But I keep hoping that he wont say that, that he'll say lets try again. I dont know why I care about him so much, Ive tried talking to other people, but there just isnt that spark for me, but I cant hang on to someone who doesnt want me. In all of this I just want my mom back, because I never had to doubt her love or if she would be there, and i invested time in someone that I could have spent with her. I doubt after my mom's passing that I will ever find the kind of love that Im looking for, or that anyone will be there for me as much or in the same way that she has. All I hope is that wherever she is, my mom is happy and that one day we can meet again.
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I completely understand my mom died 2 years ago from cancer ..itโs hard when they were your best friend ...pray to God to calm you mind bc your mom loved you
ReplyI can't offer any help, except to say that you are not alone. I am 20 years further down the line than you, and I feel and have felt everything that you have written. This is the worst pain I have ever felt.
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