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IM NOT SURE WHAT THE FORMAT IS OVER HERE!
BUT IM JUST USING THIS AS A MEDIUM TO VENT WHAT I HAVE IN MY MIND..
IM JUST LOST. I MEAN I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT ? WHERE I AM GOING? I JUST FINISHED MY STUDIES. I DONT HAVE A JOB.
OFC , YOU'RE GOING TO SUGGEST .. FIND A JOB RIGHT ?
BUT I HAVE THIS CONSTANT FEAR THAT MY LIFE HAS A GREATER EXPECTATION RATHER THAN WORK FOR SMALL ASS JOB THAT WOULD NOT MATTER TO ANYONE OR ANYTHING ... I ALWAYS WANTED TO MAKE AN IMPACT .. TO PEOPLE AROUND ME AND THE WORLD IN A GOOD WAY .. I NEVER WANTED TO BE FAMOUS OR ANYTHING .. FAR FROM THAT .. I'D RATHER BE SOMEONE WHO WORKS HARD AND DOESNT NEED THE RECOGNITION .. BUT THAT FEELING OF SATISFACTION THAT I GET FROM MAKING A CHANGE ! IS WHAT IM LOOKING FOR ..
THIS FEELING OF LOSS IN MY LIFE HAS A MAJOR IMPACT IN MY RELATIONSHIPS IN MY OPINION .. OR I JUST MAYBE I JUST FIND SOMEONE I FANCIED. BUT WHEN I WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP NOT TOO LONG AGO .. I KEPT FEELING LIKE THERES NO POINT IN WHAT IM DOING .. I NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE THOUGHT OF SETTLING DOWN .. I WANT TO LIVE A FULL LIFE MUCH BEFORE I SETTLE DOWN ..
ANOTHER SMALL THING I WANTED TO MENTION .. WAS THAT I USED TO HAVE A LOT OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS WHICH INVOLVED ME FINALLY RESOLVING MY PROBLEMS EITHER BY CRYING WATCHING CRY PORN AND FEELING LIKE MY PROBLEMS ARE MERE KIDDISH AND SOMETHING IM JUST GOING THROUGH OR BY KEEPING MYSELF OCCUPIED SO I AVOID THINKING ABOUT MY EMPTINESS...BUT I STRUGGLED THROUGH MY COLLEGE YEAR ALWAYS WITH THE FEAR THAT ONE DAY I WOULD HAVE THE COURAGE TO ACTUALLY DO IT.. AND SOMETIMES EVEN NOW .. I GET SCARED THAT IM STILL AT THE FENCE ABOUT IT ..
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Suicidal thoughts, as i find, are an existential part of life. i't comes and goes. Maybe it heralds the inevitable.Because we won't be here forever. At least not in the phsycial. I used to liken the death to this very seducing woman, creeping out of the shadows, whispering "come with me" to me. I don't know why it's a woman, but she'd have this velvet voice. It's nice to picture death any way you like it. For me, it's her.
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ReplyYou need to work in order to care for yourself and increase your autonomy, but there is no reason that has to be all you do. Maybe you could volunteer time to a cause you feel passionate about. Maybe someday you could be running your own non-profit organization.
ReplyWhen you don't expect anything, and do your best, I think that's when things work out for the better. I think that ultimately, a lot of things can get real good, but it can also change overnight. SO ultimately, you need to ask yourself what your objective is in life. And then when you make that decision, be alright with the consequences it comes with.
ReplyIf anyone out there experiences suicidal thoughts or is battling anxiety/depression, we urge you, please seek help. You are worth more than you think, and suicide reaps massive effects upon everyone around you - your friends, your family, and everyone's life who you touched. There is always hope. There is always tomorrow.
ReplyWE WILL ENCOUNTER MANY THINGS IN LIFE SOONER OR LATER. YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW WHAT YOU WANT TO DO NOW OR EVERYTHING IS A MESS BUT IF THE SUN'S STILL RISING TOMORROW THEN FEAR NOT FRIEND BECAUSE YOU WILL FIND WHAT YOU WANT. BY THE WAY MAY I ASK WHAT IS CRY PORN?
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