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Today is one of those days when i start remembering everything I think I did wrong in my life. This wrong things I did may seem stupid or irrelevant to most people, but when I think too much about them I feel like the worst person living alive. I think that all those bad memories come from my childhood. I wasn't really popular... in Elementary School I was bullied a lot. I don't like to talk about that so often and when I do, I try to down play it... saying thinks like: Oh! It wasn't that bad... just kids being sometimes mean... but in reality, when I feel sad or I think I did something wrong my brain lets me remember how much I suck... scenes from that time came flashing back like in a movie... I just hear all those horrible words people told me and see all the things they did. I was pretty stupid back than... you know the cliché: I wanted to be part of the "cool kids club" and I kind of was always with them, trying to fit in, being part of them and not realizing they actually didn't gave a f*** about me... we where just stupid little kids, everything was stupid and I'm stupid for stressing about it now...but I cant really help it. Besides that I had a lot of problems in my family, which I think are the main reason why I feel like this...we never had much many, you can say that 10 years ago we were pretty much poor, but that wasn't so bad... the bad part is the relationship with my dad...even writing about this is so hard for me... I just hate to talk about him. My mom, shes an angel and I love her more than anythink, but my father, he and I, we are so different and so alike... its hard to explane...he has his own issues and I do think he has serious problems, which you can blame on his childhood. I always saw him as something special when I was young. I thought he was smart, he was always right and I loved it so much, when he agreed with me, when we had the same opinion... we did so many things together. Wherever we had to go to buy something or do errants I was with him. We always walked by foot, so we had hours and hours to talk. Than we played a lot of video games. I was kind of a assistant to him. I had always a little notebook, where I wrote all the quests in the game and all the hints we gathered.One time we even played the whole night Warioland 3 on the little Gameboy color. That was the best time of my childhood... but as I grew older things changed... I changed and so did he... I never was a problematic child... I was good in school, I didn't use drugs or partied every weekend... so the problem wasn't there. I am more introverted and when I reached puberty I just wanted to be left alone and I liked that. I had my room and I listened to music and wrote stories, that I published online on a forum. I had a few best friend and it was nice... but at home everything was falling apart. As I said, my mom is the nicest person on this planet and the problem was, that my dad always belittle and manipulated her. I was not like her, I was like my dad... I had an opinion and I wanted to be heard. Thats where all our fight come. Our house was falling apart, my dad didn't work for a couple of years and he was just getting lazy. My mom had to do everything and whenever she said, we had to repair this, paint that etc. my dad just ignored her. She never had her own kitchen, because our home was not that big. A number of winters she washed and cooked in a small cold room. We also didn't had good heating in our home, so I slept for four years in a cold room, so you could see my breath. My dad is religious and he always talks about how important it is to be a good person, to be gentle, forgiving and all those stuff, he read in the bible. He sometimes even quoted the bible to us. He always talked about those big things, but he just talked... he rarely did something he said. I always wondered, how can you say you love someone and be married for 30 years and than watch them how they freeze washing dishes or coming back so tired from all the work. Seeing me and my sisters having one pair of jeans or the most cheapest snickers you could find. He didn't cared that he was unemployed. He was actually feeling good to be just at home and doing nothing. For 5 years he just did nothing. And when we mentioned it to him, he was getting upset and angry, trying to find an excuse. He could get really aggressive.... there were times where I was really afraid. He never hit us, but I think if he had the chance he would have done it. I just couldn't wait to go away from that home. For me it was like hell living there. I'm know older and I live on my own, feeling free and sometimes happy. But all this memories, they just come back and torture me....even if I know everything is now ok... I'm finishing my collage, I have a real and good job, a great boyfriend, after so many years I feel good about my body, about how Iook and feel... even with my dad, I have now a better relationship. He even works and my parents have finally more money and they can afford now many things they couldn't before... I don't understand why I feel sometimes so depressed. I don't talk about this to anyone. I don't like to bore people with my problems. I tried to talk to my boyfriend, but he has a hard time understanding my issues. He doesn't get it and when I talk to him about that, he just tells me to forget and be happy and all that typical stuff you would say to someone... but it does not help. I also feel like I'm just imagining everything and making it looks worst than it is. About a year or two, I think I was really depressed. I really felt bad and had headaches almost everyday. I was so self-doubting and insecure. I cried like a baby every time I wronged or upset someone, especially my boyfriend. Seeing him being mad at me... I just wanted to punch myself for doing anything wrong... I couldn't forgive myself. This bad days are now not so often, but they still come... sometimes unexpected. I don't know if I have mental issues or depression or thats just my brain torturing me for no good reason. I feel better know, after writing this... so much lighter. Maybe I just should go sleep and tomorrow is going to be better...
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Oh, so sorry. Thanks for sharing <3
ReplyA good night's sleep helps. A good laugh helps. I hope you feel better soon, hugs.
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