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I've been battling addiction since i was 25, by battling I mean actually seeking recovery. At 25 I finally gave into the hell and by divine orginization, there was someone aligned in my life that was right there to help me through; what he had been through. I put 5 years together of sobriety and made some massive changes, but addiction isn't about putting down the drugs and drink, its about you. The problem is not the substance, it's the person consuming it trying to escape themselves. That is why people can't stop, because the chosen "blur" they injest is a means of escaping the real problem. Themselves. When I stop, my life gets worse; rampant fear, demoralization, even delusion....because the substance is the solution to me.
I'm now 37, three trips to treatment, building my life up and burning it down.....and here I am again. I know AA, I know what works, I know what to do.....but I'm gripped with fear sober, to scared to do much of anything....a single beer gives me the confidence that I can own the world......
I don't crash and burn like I used to but true hell comes in suttle ways. I'm scared....and I can't cry, I can't reach out, I cant do "normal"....addiction is the worst kind of hell there is.....
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That sounds tough, I can't imagine. I hope you still have the support you need from recovery groups, friends and family.
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