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Had a tough weekend, like out of a sudden I blew up. Everything I`ve been holding inside of me couldn't stay there anymore and went out in form of tears and a very black feeling. It's not a secret for myself that I can't feel happiness. No one knows this because I hide as much as I can. But lately it's been kind of tough to hide. Suddenly I have this need to take out the mask, to stop trying to fit and just be who I am. 100 percent. Life has been hard on me, abused by my father in many ways (including sexual), no family's structure, difficulty to bond with people, although everybody thinks I bond, not a successful professional, not a mother (the nature decided not to allow me to), I'm not good at anything. And I hate self pity. I ask myself what I'd like to do and the answer is dancing, despite my 40 years I'd like to dedicate myself to this. I'd like to be powerful now. To have money, not depend on anyone else, to have a good life with MY MONEY. Travel. When working a have the feeling I'm losing an important time of my life, I'm not living and that feeling is unbearable. I know what I have to do to change the game, to have money, to be independent, I have to sacrifice my time, my life, enter in the system and be that zombie. Have my creativity killed, my life gone, my choices taken from someone else. Living sucks!
It doesn't matter the way look at there aren't good choices really, there are less bad choices and this is frustrating.
I feel arrested in my own body, limited and I have ever known how to deal with this. Tired, better, exhausted.
The days are grey but I remember seeing the days colorful when I was a child, few days, but at least they existed. Nowadays is like just surviving each day. It sucks! Who am I, what am I in the middle of these all things? From where can I take the energy to continue moving on? Is there a way to stop this hell feeling besides drinking? Yeah, cause I was blessed with the incapacity to drink too much and my mindset about drugs is too hard to use them. I just don't fit anywhere. Wanna close my eyes and sleep, just sleep. Dealing with body's aging, limitations, needs, the way my husband look at me now, my lack of pride of myself, my hair (my hair could help a little here, right?), lazy, tired, exhausted... I know I should be thankful and stop whining because there are people in worst situation than mine I just would like to feel less fear and more excitement.
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I read your entire letter and although it made my heart hurt because of what you've gone through , it was beautiful. If you want to get away from those shackles, just do you want Don't think about the consequences , if u feel like getting fucked up or out to party do it.
- D
ReplyStart living like everyday is your last love. Its down hill from the moment your born to the moment you drop. I've lived most of my life on impulsive decisions , so far its not that bad.
- V
ReplyFind some money. Get a job or a better job or whatever. Stop relying on others and LIVE YOUR LIFE! Do whatever you can to make yourself happy. Whatever that may be, just do it. I am really tempted here to put don't let your dreams be dreams and I guess I already have. You get some dancing lessons, and you take that as far as you can. Go for it!
Reply