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Life has been crazy. I've known that from a young age. I've never lived in an area for more than two years. I was born into a dysfunctional family where anytime the marriage was on the rocks they'd pop out a kid. I was baby number four and the only baby that didn't work. They divorced a year, if even, later. My mother packed up my siblings and I and moved us states away. The rest of my adolescent childhood was spent house hopping. My home life was never very good either. My mother spent too much time trying to be a friend or not even being a mother at all and my dad took everything out on us all. My sister, who was pregnant at this time, ran away from home as a teenager leaving my already broken home a little emptier. I never really had trouble making friends. One year I became friends with two girls who after a few months bullied me mercilessly. The next year I met my "best friend" who in reality was a girl who treated me like literal trash, but I kept her as my best friend for nearly 5 years. I often used to describe my Freshman year of high school as the worst year of my life, but this year is competing for a spot at first. Freshman year I felt like I was losing all of the people I once cared about. I was depressed and miserable. Then I was diagnosed with a medical condition known as Grave's disease. My case was so bad that they were worried I could have a hear attack and die. School had gone from being a top priority to something that barely even mattered. I spent countless days in doctors offices, hospitals and getting my blood drawn. I always would pride myself on my intelligence, but my grades started to slip and soon I went from straight A student to just barely pulling through with C's and D's. Midway through Freshman year, things started to get better. The doctor's appointments became less frequent, my grades started to improve and my friendships flourished. Onto Sophomore year. I began getting involved in things I enjoyed such as theatre, then I broke my ankle. My ankle was broken for an entire year and now, a year later, I still find it to hurt as it never fully healed. Early December I came down with bronchitis and this brought back my Grave's disease which had been under control till then. At this time the doctors appointments started again, my grades started slipping and it felt like my life was spiraling out of control yet again. It was then when I started to discover something that made my life feel a little more normal, made the hurt I felt subside: boys. Now a few years ago my father died of a massive heart attack, and as traumatic as this was it made me realize that simply put I have some major daddy issues. I found and still do find so much comfort in the presence of men because of the sheer lack of attention, or proper attention, I had from my father as I grew up. Backtracking to Freshman year once more, I had a boyfriend for a solid month. Now this boy and I have really nothing in common, but I thought we could work out for a few. Then I met someone else and he made me feel like a million bucks. This other boy was my best friend's older brothers best friend. My boyfriend at the time slowly began growing cold and even put his hands on me occasionally, eventually he cheated on me with one of my friends and to this day they're still together. The other guy that I grew feelings for led me on for months until I discovered that all the things he said, how I was so special he was saying to my best friend. This guy lied to me and played with my heart, but hey it happens whatever. Back to sophomore year. Midway through the year I guess you could qualify me as a goody two shoes. Then I met this guy. We knew each other for a little while and this was when I started using guys to fill the empty feeling in my life. This first boy. First time hanging out. I told him I felt easy, but he just kept saying no baby no. Luckily we didn't do anything too bad. I wasn't going to let this random guy take all of my innocence from me. Eventually him and I drifted and a few moths later I met another boy. Oh boy let me tell you. This guy and I were together a solid two weeks, but I really liked him. We met by chance. A few days before a couple of my friends and I were at Mcdonald's when we met this group of guys. One of the guys really hit it off with my friend and they started messing around together. Well around this time I discovered that I was moving so I decided to host a moving away party. As the party winded down my friend wanted to hang out with this guy and invited me to come with. Of course I said yes. The plan was to drive around. My friend's boy thing was accompanied by another guy. Him. My friend and I hoped into the car and I hit it off with the guy. We started talking and by the next day we were hanging out like old friends. The first time he ever kissed me felt magical. I remember calling up my friend excited to tell her that he finally kissed me. It was like a fairy tale. Then I moved about 45 minutes away and mister dreamy disappeared from my life completely. The summer months dragged on until finally, I started at my new school. I was absolutely terrified. Junior year at a completely new school isn't exactly a teenagers dream, but I made the most of it. I remember the first day of school a boy caught my eye. The way he stared at me like I took his breath away. He stuck out like a sore thumb, he was insanely attractive, but what stood out was his hair. A shade of orange. Now gingers have never been my type, but this guy was different. By the second day of school, him and I began talking and that night we hung out. God did that boy have a way with words. He sounded straight out of a novel. One of the first things he ever made me do was cry and by this I mean I told him my life story, or some of it at least. I remember sniffling apologizing for crying and him saying no it's what I wanted. I want you to open up and know that you can trust me. Even though it was my second day, I knew this boy had a reputation. He's one of those guys that girls swoon over and has been with more girls than he could even count. I knew he was trouble, but I didn't listen to my better judgement. The first day I met this boy and him and I had already kissed. One thing he told me that I will never forget. I looked him right in the eyes and said I don't want to get hurt. I can't do whatever it is you want to do if it ends in me getting hurt. He thought about this for a few moments and chose his words carefully. You need to stop worrying so much. 10 years from now you're not going to remember the pain you felt, or the emotions you felt, but you're going to remember the memories you make right here and right now. And those words are going to stick with me for the rest of my life. Quickly, I began to fall for this guy. I wouldn't say I loved him, but I believe I could've. A month after we met. He made me so happy. I let him take my last shred of innocence. A few days later he broke up with me and was onto the next girl within hours. God how that hurt. How it still hurts. I actually became really close with the girl he left me for. A month has passed. I see him in the halls. Sometimes I think about all of the memories we made. They cause me so much pain, but he's right 10 years from now I'll look back at these memories and smile. He broke up with that girl two days ago, but continues to stay with her its confusing I know. It hurts when he said he cared so deeply for me. Not even 3 days before he ended things with me he asked a friend of ours if I still liked him. She replied obviously you make her so happy and his exact words were good I don't want to mess this up. Fast forward to today. Today I hung out with the girl he left me for and him. Goodness it was slightly awkward. He dropped the other girl off and drove me home. I asked him how he's been and he said interesting how about you and I asked do you want the honest response and he said yes. I told him miserable then broke a little. Hating myself for letting him see me so vulnerable. I couldn't tell him that I was so miserable because he literally broke me or that things with my mom haven't been good how literally I'm just so miserable and so much was his fault. I take each day at a time. And wait for better days. I know that things will get better they always do. Everything just takes time and I'm going to wait as long as that takes.
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I can understand how that feels. Please stay strong.
You don't know me and I don't know you. But, I'm here for you. I'm here to support you. You should listen to the song, "Gold" by EDEN.
I listen to music to cope with fighting against being 24 with depression. I know life sucks. But there are things in this world that are better than life. You'll find it one day. I will too. I believe I can and I believe you can too.
I love you.
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