What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
I have always been afraid of the " blank page" never knew what to write or always afraid to say things that wouldn't make sense. Well, today is the big day I am writing on this " blank page" well, on the other hand I have nothing to lose since my life has been in a big turmoil for more than a year.
Today, I have decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, stop using my health for things I don't do, accepting that I have failed but I have failed miserably. Well, that's hard to accept I am on " working progress". I have bought a bunch books those books to make u feel better, those books that I may never read because I do not have the time which is a complete lie it is a question of state of mind so we make the time. I know that too well. I realized I have become lazy. Yes Lazy in my thoughts, with my body, with my children I became a bum! Something I always hated. I always hated people who would complain about their lives without doing sh... as my motto was always " If you want you can".
Well, look who is there now. Me myself and I. How embarrassing... But I have hope, yes hope that I can change my life around. I know that deep down I just need to let it go of the past, trust myself and love myself again... What a program...My brain is already thinking " I can't do it". I hate this brain I hate her yes " brain is a Her". I still have hope and I want to get out of this lethargy bounced back. Why do I have hope? Well, reason #1 I have met someone like a month ago ( it didn't end well as the person happened to be crazy! but that's ok!) this person gave me back some feelings that were so lost but like in the trash. The person did it. I haven't been happy in years, feeling like everything was possible. Those feelings made me rich. This happiness was beyond rational and I was ready to eat the world. I know it sounds crazy but i was. I can't thank this person enough. Back 10 days I was able to get control over my life again, being nice to my children and especially to my precious one. Precious because he is different. Him too I have failed him. My little boy. my baby. I was happy so I made him happy. It was painful to see that my baby boy depended also of my happiness. That was painful so painful. He became happy, so happy would stay with me non stop would laugh, even his teacher told me he was great lately. All this because of me and my happiness. That was so selfish of me in a way. However, I haven't given up on my happiness for him and I spend time with him like I haven't in years. He makes him happy and I am happy to see him happy. A happy family. That's not true at all. This person and I broke up I mean the person did. It hurt but I am ok so far. I miss these feelings that give wings and I was ready to conquer the world. I miss that the most. To be quite honest. my laziness took over after the break-up. I do not want to go " back there". I want to feel again. I want to feel overwhelmed, to feel high on feelings. That when my life has changed and hope became reality. But here I am back to being lazy and having dark thoughts and what a failure I am. The difference is i think is the fact that I want to fight a little against myself. I want to get rid of " Lazy" well she is not a good person and she makes me sad, have dark thoughts and only thinking I am a failure. No, i want to kick her out. Out of thouse. Lazy get out. I want Love to come back. Love such an amazing, incredible, fu... up feeling. I Love Love. Wh doesn't right?
The different in the Love I want. I don't want to love someone, or to love that makes me dependent so my life depends on this person no it is not worth it. I want to Love me. yes me. I want to love myself again. Today, is the day even I am not convinced how far I will go. I want to Love myself. So today, I will say and write " I love myself". That's my new motto. I was thinking. If I do not Love myself then who is going to do it for me. ? NOBODY!
Today, is Day 1. I decide that " I love myself"
Will keep writing. It feels good in a way to write. And I beat the cr... out of the blank page and I wasn't scared. That's huge! Thanks Novni I had just come accross your site. 10 minutes but I can already tell you Thank you!
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.