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I was wrong. I don’t like it. I don’t know why I crave it. The emptiness. The sadness. I don’t have a clue why I invite it in.
Every time I have one of these “episodes” -- although I’m hesitant to even call it that, as they aren’t much more than moments in the middle of the night where I am suddenly overwhelmed by sadness and my own thoughts -- I lose touch with reality and am disappointed when I’m brought down to earth and realize that I’m really me, I’m really alive, and I really have to live my entire life as myself. Why do I hate that so much? I’m not a bad person. I don’t have a bad life. Why do I feel so unhappy?
The truth is, I want to get out. I want to grow up. I want to go to Paris or to Italy and fall in love and live the life I’ve always dreamed about. I don’t want to be 15 years old, stuck in the midwest, worrying about high school just so I can worry about college and worry about a career and so on and so forth. I don’t want any of this. I rely too heavily on my dream of getting out that it’s massively disappointing and disheartening when I remember that this dream is pretty out of reach. I want to live this dream but I’m not sure I can do that in this lifetime. I can’t just become a different person.
I’m confused. I know there are moments when I’m truly happy. I’m not ignoring those. When I’m with my friends, I’m not disappointed about my life. I’m grateful to be smiling and laughing and to be surrounded by people who love me. I know I’m okay.
This “diary” entry, or whatever you want to call it, doesn’t necessarily have a lesson. All I know is, things will work out eventually. Everything will fall into place. I just have to trust that.
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I feel so much of what you have said. Just take it bit by bit. This feeling is so hard to evade quickly. Its so hard when you feel out of tune with yourself. Try to find some mechanism for you to help your healing process. Do not be hard on yourself. Try to write, do music, listen to music, or find some lost hobby or go for a walk. Take each day bit by bit. I know its not easy. Im trying so hard too. There's so much we want to accomplish in life, but it is hard when we can't even feel whole ourselves. Just know all your dreams will happen one day. You just have to work towards it. Get a job, save bit by bit. Get information about it. Ur not alone. If you want someone to talk to im here.
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