my brother, distant, didn't tell me he was engaged.

I'm hoping to write this and let it out will help me recover, forgive, mend.

Its hard to know where to start so I will start in present day and add into the time line as I go.

My older brother (middle of two older brothers- there are three of us)

got engaged weeks ago and didn't tell me. My mother defends him, "they didn't tell anybody. The ring wasn't expensive they just went and did it, and then I noticed the ring and they told me. " if it was a simple as she's led to believe then I would be on board.

Now I need to explain the current circumstances.

My brother, a father of 4, in July, split up with his long term partner and mother of the children. He was a broken man, alost in the sea of an overwhelming life, and typically for him, impulsive.

He went to live with my parents, everything came out, and understandably i found out through my mum on the phone; he was in an emotionally abusive relationship, she was awful to him, they were finding it hard to communicate about childcare.

This year has been a tough year for my mum, we lost my nan at the beginning of the year, being a small intimate family, words are not enough to express losing such a kind hearted, sweet, angel. My mum has parkinsons, and its been tough this year. My dad works away a couple nights a week but still is able to spend 3/4 full days at home. So when my brother moved in, i think it was hard for mum not to be completely enveloped.

I learnt mum was mediating him and his ex because they weren't on speaking terms. Initially she felt it was fine, but voiced how dad had his concerns. Within days she felt differently, it was taking too much out of her, i told her i felt as though she should be cautious, stop it all together.

To be honest, i feel she is still mediating even to this day.

Our common goal has always been the children. The parents are behaving seemingly despicably, and those kids, were when i lived closer, were the light for me in a dark time. i was worried about how they were being treated, listened to, during this selfish chaos.

I learnt that my brother was having mental issues. He impulsively, cold turkey, came off his fairly high dosage of anti depressants, had a break down, was given his dosage back by the hospital and had an episode in town, (where i live and work). During this time he had no battery, came to find me at work, i was day off, and irritatingly didn't ask my colleagues to call me. Whilst he had recovered within the day. I was worried about his Impulsive, thoughtless, consequence to the wind behaviour.

Within 1 or 2 months i learnt that my brother was now in a relationship with a new woman, and they were living together. Wow, i was astonished. Its only been two/three months since his split. He was springing her about. He introduced her to mum and dad, they spent a good portion of time together that week.

And then it was my turn. Baring in mind my brother hadn't had contact with me for 4 years, he called me out the blue. I happened to be off work. I answered for fear of missing an emergency.

I said yeah sure, he then added sweetly and innocently, because he wanted me to meet his new partner.

The meal:

So we met, we got on okay, she used to be a nurse who helped people with mental disorders, like a psychological nurse. She's defensive, having being hurt in her life, i learnt of her difficult family relationships.

I learnt of how they'd known each other, physically and emotionally, whilst he WAS WITH his previous partner! When he got his ex pregnant, my brother broke this girls heart and she turned lone wolf, him obviously becoming a father.

He, unprovoked, said he regretted not coming to my engagement party. At the time mum said he was ill, from what he said i think this was a lie. I suppose i felt sympathetic to him so i didn't push it.

He explained some of the things his ex-partner did to him, i understood why he was mentally broken now.

He told me he was so happy in that moment, to finally be having a meal with me. Im pretty sure we exchanged numbers. when i updated my phone number, i didn't give it to my brothers. However i remember he called me earlier that day.

They invited me to their house for Christmas, and were taken aback when i didn't immediately agree. I needed to mull it over, and talk to my fiance.

She being a psychological nurse, spent the whole meal talking literally into his ear, telling him how to feel. Grimer wormtongue. I hated this, i like to think my own mind, and repulse the idea of manipulation. Hasn't he just been manipulated for 10 years, isn't he vulnerable.

I bought this up with my mother, and she simply said "oh i see what you mean" and expressed how good she's been for him, and how very unstable he was.

I was spending the day with my mum, it was a lovely day. They turned up, showing off their holiday pictures; he didn't see his children this weekend, i heard the kids were distant, and within, i wasn't half suprised, but my heart ached for them. Mum defended how he needed time to recover 'mm perhaps'

To my utter disgust they brought up the idea of marriage. my heart was sickened. My heart was sickened for selfish reasons.

Me and my partner got engaged two years ago, it was an incredible day, we properly announced it to the family within a reasonable time frame as we felt was proper. We've been taking things at our own pace, saving for a mortgage, and until recently had decided our wedding was to be after we finally got a house. Sensible. But i had recently explained to my partner how i changed my mind and would like to marry sooner, as a house is so far away. He agreed, i was happy, i told mum. We could start planning together next year.

I was heartbroken, and told mum, she innocently thought they meant nothing of it, it was just words, and sweet dreams for their future. She thought it was sweet, I wasnt so sure.

I was distant this visit. At the end there was drama about childcare, mum offered some resolve, he angrily didn't listen- butt hurt, I escaped the situation for fear of saying something awful to him, how dare he be so ruthless with those small people in his selfishness to win against his ex.

Weeks maybe months pass, my partner has just lost his grandad.

I've been tormented with Christmas day, i know my mum wants me to go, and i assume the invitation is still open.

My partner says family is family, because in his family, even if they don't always get along, they always make the effort to meet for important occasions.

I worry the proper thing is to suck it up and go, to make them happy. I can shake the feeling that inside i am not comfortable. I have lost so many close friends, it really hurts, i know that after Christmas it'll go back to him ignoring my existence, like he has done for 4 years.

A very quick recount of the 4 year thing:

When i first moved where i am now, i worked two part time jobs - full time, i bought smaller Christmas gifts for the kids; i didnt have much money, they were only nick naks, but they have so many relatives, i thought it be okay, and i bought a paint-balling package for me and my bothers to spend quality time together.

This is when my brother broke my heart:

He text me not long after and slated they presents i bought the kids, told me i didn't care, (remember i was super close with the kids at that time, we loved each other) i was a bad person/aunty. It was and text message of knives.

I've never been the same person after this, i felt so responsible for so long. I always thought if my brothers didnt contact me, it was my fault, i dreaded present giving. Socially when people left my life, its been insanely hard since then. I've been depressed.

After a year/2 i sent a birthday card and he text me with thanks, i asked how the family were, and was relieved to be in contact, i felt i was forgiven. However, it was clear they didn't want more of a relationship. So i just sent the kids birthday cards instead. They came to the town where i live, but didn't want to meet. There was a day where my partner rang me and told me he saw them in town, so i text them inviting them over for a cup of tea, and my brother didn't even reply.

Back to the Christmas and engagement thing; I tell mum on the phone i'm confused, and she guilt trips me, "You do things for (your partners) family"

i remind her i spend time with everybody who bothers to spend time with us, "You need balance" So i assured her i had balance. She eventually understood, and divulged she didn't mind as they could see us on the day.

The same evening I decided to post a nice meme on facebook and tag all the family in it, 'Ohana means nobody gets left behind or forgotten' as an invitation to the family to remember one another, but when i went to tag my brother it didnt not appear. I searched for his name, and found either we weren't 'friends' now, or we never were, i cannot remember.

I clicked on his profile to see, 8 days ago they had announced to all of facebook that they were engaged!!

I was in utter shock, how could they not tell me?

I called mum, i asked after the situation. I told her exactly how i felt, how i no longer wanted to attend for Christmas, and didn't feel bad, i mean he didn't tell me they were engaged, and that i would take the high road and congratulate them as you should, how i did not feel comfortable inviting them to my home just yet, i think we should all meet up for a meal somewhere neutral.

When i text him, he asked who i was, apparently he didn't have my number saved to his phone.

"It is yeah, i thought we exchanged it when we me up for lunch! Text me whenever you like.

I would've congratulated you both earlier but i've only just found out the news on facebook.

Whats your address so i can send a card? x"

There's been no reply. I will send a card.

I'm still in shock.

But i really feel after all this, and there's so much more disregard from those 4 years, that i shouldn't care, i don't feel family means anything my brothers, but a word.