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First of all, it's my first time here. Sorry if the story is a bit long but I feel like venting today.
So it's been a little less than a month before my disordered eating became an eating disorder. I haven't been diagnosed with it, and only told four of my only friends about it, which didn't really help because they've never experienced an eating disorder before.
But my parents don't know. They've been suspicious of me spitting out my food and refusing to eat and actually swallow anything more than a fist size. They think that I'm physically sick when really every time I eat more than a fist size or "unsafe" foods, little voices tell me it's wrong. I can't stop them.
The reason I started spitting out my food was because I felt like I didn't deserve it. I was going through depression and suicidal ideation for a second time after they disappeared during the summer. I didn't want to experience the depression all over again. It was a nightmare. So in order to avoid insanity, I did something insane: starving myself. It was the best two weeks I've ever experienced in years. The thoughts went away. The constant hunger pangs, soreness and numbness distracted me from the negative experiences going on in my life. Eventually, all my problems went away as I felt a wave of control splash on me.
It was wonderful.
Until my parents found out.
My eating disorder is linked to depression. I don't want to tell them about my depression. My dad has been depressed twice in my life, maybe even before I existed. Been suicidal once because of me not being that smart, pretty child every parent wish and blamed it on himself. It sucked going through that, and I don't want him to blame himself again. When I had depression, I didn't tell him in the fear that he'll blame himself. That he'll be suicidal. Again. Because of me once again. My mom would tell my dad (she's the type who will complain all day if you do something wrong). My brother is still in elementary school, and has no idea how to deal with this.
When my parents found out, I couldn't tell them that I was doing this to feel happy. I couldn't tell them that I was depressed and that I don't want to live life like this. But every time I ate bigger than fist size or "unsafe" foods, I would regret it. Not only are the E.D. voices labeling me as fat and undeserving, but then I get a knock on the door from no one other than depression. It would tell me that I was ungrateful and flashes every mistake I made in my life and would tell me to just die.
I want to eat for my family. I don't want them to worry about me. But each and every time I do try to eat, both voices are ringing in my mind. I can't cope with it. I don't want to live a nightmare where I'm crying alone, unable to do my homework, in my room, wishing to die but I also don't want to upset my family. I don't know what to do. I need some help. Please.
If you read all of that, thank you. I hope you're day is going great and if not, hope the day gets better from here. And again, thanks.
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Hi first of all thank you for sharing. I have no idea how difficult your situation must be. I’d read your story and this is what I’m thinking.
You should take care of your body that’s mean you have to eat. I do understand this is the hard part. What I’m want from you is that you have to physically go against your mind. You have to eat. Maybe try change your diet become a vegan or vegetarian, eat your body needs it. I can only imagine how hard it will be but you must be aware that this is the right thing. Healthy body equals healthy spirit. I do believe that there will be voices in your head. And again what I’m about to write might sound silly to you. I think that every time they appear you should tell them to shut up immediately. Repeat it every time until you win.
If you need someone to talk to here is my email gregchoosetothink@gmail.com
Stay strong 😘