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Sometimes the pain of failure hurts so bad I can't even swallow let alone focus on the reason I started this journey in first place. So let's forget about all of the pleasantries right now, I came here because I want to write about something that is really bothering right now. I wish it could be about how successful my 2017 year went, but then I would be here, instead I would be somewhere being successful right? I guess.
I must have really had some issues with letting go in a former life. It seems to me every time I look around I am having to repeat this cycle of rejection and letting go of something go of something I believe.
I'll admit that today I am angry and frustrated with a lot of things and as I look around it feels like I am starting to lose hope in humanity. At some point in my journey, I believed with my whole soul that most people were good hearted, truthful, well intended, neutral about race or at least not a racist, spiritual, and/or religious.
I also thought that along the way, if I ever got lost, I could simply "just ask for help" or get a little guidance from my closest friendly and available peer if I ever needed it. Right? At least that is what we were groomed to believe in my early childhood development years.
I had mistakenly assumed that meekness and kindness was a virtue and that people really do care about your success, especially if they see you trying and more especially if you work really really really really hard, and keep working.
What I know is that to get this level of treatment you will also need to factor in things like your athletic abilities, the community standing of your ancestors at their time of death, your hair texture, the exact shade of your skin, the level of racism in your state, your financial situation before you were 17, the upbringing of your mother, the upbringing of your grandmother, and your family church attendance record....and for the rest of us, well, oh well.
I went by all the typical rules and walked on eggshells trying to impress individuals who seemed almost disgusted by the audacity of me. I knew some of the would never actually hire me. But several times I drove up to 7 hours to show myself approved.
When I was rejected, I then told myself that it was just my own ego that was upset that I just need keep going (and I have). I told myself it's going to work out, just keep pushing, make the changes you need to make, it's you, you just need to work a little harder, work a little harder, work a little harder. So I did.
I made myself vulnerable again in 2017. I worked hard, I applied for jobs all over expecting at least fair opportunity to someday arrive. Over the years, I made shifts to my character, I worked out what I thought was my bad karma, I focused on breaking family curses and healing myself from childhood traumas, I worked on developing my skills, I spent lots of time in isolation working so that I could someday prove to my children that they can dream. I even put in double time volunteering and giving and giving and giving more than I had to prove that doing right yields worthy results.
What I discover is that instead of gaining support from my peers, I received nothing short of fruitless efforts, slammed doors, snared lips, and rejection (sometimes with an occasional bodyslam to the concrete). It has been enough to send me back to the drawing board about what I am doing in life. I am getting too old for this.
With each failure, I have managed to reassemble myself so that I can continue to forge ahead. Only I know the depths of each blow and that each time, a small piece of me has to die so that I can stomach the reality of this world we live in and still pursue my dream.
Now I am afraid that I am hardening in some areas I once thought were beautiful, just for survival. It's not good being an introvert and walking around with too much empathy and compassion. It's like being a magnet for all things bad.
I am slowly coming to terms with the death of my old belief systems and I don't know what that means. I suppose that at some point we must all either go through a process of discovering a truth that is uniquely our own, like a fingerprint or a DNA strand or conform to the masses.
Speaking of the masses, what I have witnessed is almost the exact opposite of what I once believed. I've seen far too many wolves in sheep clothing lurking about. I've witnessed twisted agendas (usually referred to as goals and tasks) belonging to productive members of society who are eagerly willing to stomp out a life in order to reach them. I'v seen people in denial about race, racism, evil, oppression, and corruption. And then there are always those hiding behind religious brands so that they can feel free to judge the unfortunate mishaps of others "It must have been their own karma because God don't like ugly, by the way, what church do you go to?" seems to be the only conversation starter in southern states.
I am exhausted of people pretending to be religious, spiritual, elevated, evolved, intellectual, smart, dumb, ignorant, and lame to what really goes out here in these streets of society. I am tired of the gimmicks. I am tired of having to answer to people who haven't a clue about what's it's like to be me.
In one hand, I am tired, truly tired of all the so called do-gooders who continue to turn the other pristine cheek to their own racism, sexism, ageism, and other biased agendas. I am tired of the fake activists, the soulless propagandist, the follow/unfollow techniques, narcissistic maniac leaders are everywhere, robots, hate filled zombies dressed in their Sunday best, and those pretending to solve "real" world issues everywhere else but here. You do have talented people of all races, backgrounds, and ages in your own communities that you refuse to even acknowledge you know. Well, unless we are referring to gentrification, then that's something else.
On the other hand, I am also tired of the cleverly disguised gossip, unhealthy food, the fake happiness, the fake booties, lips, the edges, breasts, and everything else. I am tired of the "I can't see you for my extra long fake eyelashes" trend, the fake smiles are annoying, the fake success pitch is irritating, the makeup tutorials and dirty skin is leading them astray, the stay woke and melanin poppin lines have become a joke, by the way, the stupid looking fish lips look ridiculous especially when you have a whole page full of them, and why the hell can't someone do something about all the fake social media accounts!
Okay, my apologies for that rant and please forgive me, I am aware that resentment and anger is one of the phases. I am just not sure which one.
I know that I too am at risk for becoming the very thing I resent if I am not careful. I also know that it could just be my own reflection and that I need to sort through this thing if I really want to manifest my own dreams.
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