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I finally admitted to my mother how humiliating my part-time job was going I didn't want to burden her she's such an amazing mother too good for me she single-handedly raised us and always puts me and my brothers before herself...
I always let her down telling her about how depressed I am,how I'll never get married,how I don't have a degree and have no future it must be exhausting for her I'm exhausted of myself
She should have a better daughter a more beautiful strong-minded daughter who handled her Education and is reaping the rewards making her proud
Instead she is stuck with me...the weak underweight disgusting-looking girl who'll never find someone to love her
My goal is to make her smile to the day I die,I want to financially support her as the wrong things always seem to happen to her which is undeserved I would give her the world if I could so I hope so much I don't lose my job I don't have a degree but if I still make her proud and happy then I'm worth something I'm not a total waste of a human being
She's gone out now I made her late to run her errands because I couldn't take it this morning keeping my work fears,my life fears inside then she had to leave she let out a big sigh after we had our chat and went she's so worried about me which makes me feel guilty even more she's giving me the same advice over and over...
I'm so scared about my life she's gives me the drive to even do the things I do and I don't do much what will I do when she's not here it doesn't bear thinking about
Everyone always says how strong of a woman she is and I'm the complete opposite talk about chalk and cheese I wish I was like her....I wish
Sigh* I just don't know anymore.I want to explode with pain,I have a billion thoughts at once and walk around scared for my life man I need to try even though it feels impossible I need to try....
My heart is in so much pain SIGH*
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