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Some days I find it hard to smile by myself
I can’t be happy or excited about anything
I can laugh with someone and smile to someone
I can pretend to be happy and bubbly when I’m out or at work
But I can’t when I am alone
I don’t want to do anything
Everything I try to do is boring
I don’t have any energy
I’m tied but can’t sleep
I’m not hungry or just don’t want to eat
I want to talk to someone but everything that comes out of my mouth is on the contrary. It’s nothing to do with what I’m feeling, I sound happy and energetic.
It’s as if subconsciously I’m trying to protect myself from the ramifications of exposing myself, even to someone I trust.
Maybe it’s that I don’t really trust anyone with my true self
Maybe I’m scared of what they will think.
Then I think, it will all be better if I’m not here, they would be happy without me there to ruin everything and just be an oxygen thief - a strain on society.
After all I can’t interact with people properly or make friends, I have a bad personality and can’t do anything right. I’m useless and selfish and can’t learn from my mistakes.
Truly sometimes I don’t know what I’m here for. If only I could hit the restart button it would be better. If I could go back to the beginning and start again I could be better.
I would be able to talk to people, make friend, go out and have fun.
Be a productive part of society and contribute to those around me.
Be able to talk about how I feel instead of trying to bottle it all up inside until it overwhelms me.
But I can’t hit the restart button to go back to the beginning, there is no restart button in life.
All I can say when someone asks is that I’m ok, I’m good, I’m fine. When really I’m crying and what to talk to someone but I don’t know how to say anything or what to say.
The only thing that I can do is write it down and hope one day I have the courage to let someone read it, then there is no going back.
Some days I am good.
I can smile and laugh.
I can forget about what’s happening in life and enjoy the little moments
I can get excited and be energetic
Pig out on everything
Be glad I’m here and got past the bad days.
Enjoy life and the people around me
Have my head so full of things to do, images to draw, stories to write.
I can sit down and read a book, watch a movie and enjoy the company of those around me.
I hope for more of these days then the others, but that doesn’t always come to be.
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This speaks to my soul, I don't usually comment, always afraid of saying the wrong thing, of judgement but what you have written is exactly how I feel. I don't know if this will help but I know that right now, tonight, I just want to know that someone else feels the same, that they get it. That I'm not weird and this is more common than I think. I want you to know that I'm here. I hope this brings you a small bit of relief and I hope that one day your smile is no longer a treasure hidden away but a constant never ending source of light, laughter and love, for yourself and for the world around you.
ReplyHi... :)
Its never too late to enjoy life. Dont be afraid to express yourself. Be who you are. It doesnt matter what they think of you as long as you are not steping on someone. You cannot please everybody to accept. Just be true to yourself and love yourself. Then after i think it will lead you to happiness. xx
ReplyI’m just like you too!
I’m tempted to commit Suicide... ‘cause I don’t have reasons to keep pretending that I’m okay. I cannot tell how I feel for real, ‘cause nobody takes it seriously and even censor me.
ReplyI am going through the exact same thing but there's one thing you have that I dont
ReplyThese are all symptoms of depression. I'm in no way suggesting you have depression because a) I'm not a doctor and b) many people show symptoms of depression even if they don't have it. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with you, but I am saying many people have gone through what you are going through. It's though. It's really though. I know because I've been through it too. One day I'll be happy and laughing loudly and cracking jokes and constantly trying to make people laugh and the next I want to cry all day long for no particular reason. One day I'll dream about being an actor or a singer or a motivational speaker or a comedian and I want to end world hunger and bring clean water to everyone and the next day I barely have the motivation to get out of bed. It comes and goes. It's important to remember that it will pass eventually, you just have to keep your head up. Try to talk to someone, and I promise, they will most likely understand what you are going through. I wish you the best of luck.
Reply