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Sometimes you wonder why you exist. Or why you are the way you are. When you start seeing the people around you avoid you. When you're turned away almost always when you ask to do something with a colleague or friend.
You learn to live really almost without a partner because he's busy too. You expect a lot. You want to just be taken care of. Things revolve around you, this job. But you're actually just selfish. "The most self person I know by far" he says.
You're upset because he's going on a trip without you. Just like everything else this job keeps you from doing the things he wants. This job that you suck at anyway. You can't think or sleep. You're certainly not the top of your class. You're useless you're a mockery of the profession. In three years all you managed to do is become friendless and now stuck in a sham of a marriage. One that you can't leave because.... People talk. What would you do anyway? You're fat now. You're broke. You're thirty. No one wants you.
Then there's the libido. What libido? After being shot down a hundred times it's hard to really give a shit about it anymore. You used to be magnetized to him but he caused to ridicule your needs. He was always selfish in that sense, had no idea how to make you happy. First it really hurt because you waited your whole life for this person to be with but then it just because indifference. You let yourself go. You're repulsed by his touch because you know it's meaningless ... That feeling is gone. You're so hungry for a friend, a laugh, a connection. Even if I did it once that will be it. Things will never pick up. He doesn't really want you. You keep hoping he will cheat. Just find someone else. Because atleast one of you will be happy. You hope when he goes on this trip he makes a mistake. Or he finds love. And he just leaves you. You're not what he wants anyway. You're selfish. You're ugly now. You have no life anymore. You hate this job. What do you even do.
You can't leave. You'll disappoint so many people. You'll stick it out. You can live without love. Just like everyone else you know. It's in your blood. But maybe not him. He's not that kind. Maybe he should go.
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