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(Warning: Mentions of self-harm, starvation, drugs, bullying and a whole bunch of other shit, please be aware:) )
(Oh, also, it's long)
Hi! I'm well, me.
I'm a 14 year old portuguese girl, soon to be 15.
I was born in Portugal but immigrated to England when i was 8.
However, there's alot to know before my journey to England even became a thought.
I have an acoholic father, who used to abuse me and my sister.
He was already an acoholic, long before me or my 23 year old sister were born, maybe he was around my age when it began and up to this day his addiction continues.
There wasn't a time that i can remember, where i can confidently say that he wasn't drunk, it was like a daily ritual to him, it took his pain away.
When i was around 3 years old, my grandad, who is my ultimate idol even though i can hardly remember him, died.
Not long after, maybe a year later, my dad got involved in a car crash, were this random girl was driving a car illegally but that's besides the point.
Now, i was just a 4 year old, i didn't know anything at the time;
But i think i knew, as soon as my dad screamed at me for trying to comfort him when he was sent home from the hospital, after days of not seeing him, that my life wasn't the same.
Now, from then onwards my memory is blurry, but the moments that i remember, aren't all that bright.
He showed up drunk at my school one time and fought with the man that guarded the school gate because i wasn't allowed to leave school.
And another time, mom, big sister and i came home to find blood all over the house.
He had gotten dead ass drunk and broke our fish tank, which ended up getting blood all over the floor, bad times.
Anyways, we left for England, we went by car and THANKFULLY without my dad.
Yes, i know.
'Why would you travel to England from Portugal, by car?'
Well, i'm afraid of heights, so that wouldn't work and i threw up every 2 hour, so the trip took about 32 hours. Shock, right?
Anyways, that happened.
Then we ended up living at my mom's friend's (who we shall call Mary) house for a few months until my mom had a stable job and a guaranteed house.
But whilst we were living there, we came to find out Mary's husband was a horrible man, who became a monster in my eyes.
I will not include the fact my sister (who was 17) and i had to wake up everyday at 6am because HE wanted to go to some random cafe, i wasn't in school until sometime after my birthday in April.
Yet the reason that made me believe that he was trash was the moment he locked the kitchen door and almost chocked Mary in there.
I remember seeing Mary's daughter crying her eyes out and her son was fuming.
Then we moved out into our own house and i got into school.
Now the only thing i have to say about that topic, is that i was bullied.
It wasn't a daily thing but when it happened, i usually went home bruised.
I got a friend there but it didn't change anything, however mom, along with my favourite teacher stopped the bullying.
Before primary school ended, when i was around 10, my dad moved to England too.
He had promised me that he would change,that he'd stop smoking and drinking.
Things were fine for awhile, although he was absent alot.
The most i saw him was when i got home and he was in bed or when he left for his night shift that began at 11.
Then, one faithful afternoon, searching for my psp charger with my mom, that was given to me one christmas when i was 5, i found drugs.
Drugs that belonged to him.
Long story short, a fight between my parents began, he almost threw my mother off the window and he was sent to jail.
I wasn't allowed to see him without my sister around, who was on holiday when my life went from bad to worse.
He then left back to Portugal because he was fired from his job and had nowhere to go, money wasn't enough for food and an apartment.
I haven't lived with him since.
Anyways, highschool was so much worse, i had to beat this pervert up because he followed me everywhere, even home.
I got depressed somewhere along the day and i needed something to help the pain go away, so the self harming began.
Now i didn't use blades or knifes but my nails.
My classmates noticed that my arm was constantly red, then the bullying began.
But it got so bad that i had to move schools, to somewhere around 4 hours away from the old location.
At first it was okay, i made friends because in that school, it was strange to get a foreign student, specially since i was the only portuguese student in the whole academy.
Then bullying started, along with being played by my first boyfriend (12 year old drama) that lasted 3 days.
Then this one girl, who i somewhat trusted, told me to die and do her the favour.
We moved yet again, but this time to Portugal.
Now, i was turning 13 and ended up moving with my mom's boyfriend, who became my step-dad, since we had nowhere else to go.
We arrived in Portugal in march 2016 but didn't get accepted into a school until October that same year.
Throughout that time i spent it with my sister in Algarve.
Anyways, when i came back for school, things were okay.
Then my step-dad and his sons (there were two, who we shall call 14 and 16, you can tell who's the oldest and youngest by the numbers) began to argue, alot.
Up to this day i've been traumatized because of my father, so i can't stand fights or loud shouts.
And those two things happened almost daily.
Also, my step-brothers had the habbit of eating everything at home, which left me eating little to nothing.
I wasn't given money to buy food and both my mom and step-dad were working alot.
I ate dinner, and that's when step-dad so much as bothered to get home on time, since mom left work at 11pm.
I lost weight, alot of it due to starvation.
I couldn't ask family members, alot of them didn't like me because of my mom or dad, so that's that.
My sister was 5 hours away, so that didn't work either.
At home they didn't do any chores, i felt like a slave in what was supposed to be my own home.
I felt trapped wherever i went, it was pointless.
It was like my body was a cage that i couldn't be freed from.
Then my dad started with his bullshit, my grades started dropping and it became too much for me.
I started fainting alot, i had suffered a bad virtual breakup too, so that happened aswell.
Mom and step-dad broke up around that time, which got mom into depression because his feelings changed from one day to the other.
We moved to my grandmother/aunt's house, where we stayed there until early this year, this happened around November.
In April, we got into our own house, and mom was sorta better, but the fainting never stopped.
My family is basically made of firemen and firewomen, so i know basically every firestation in the area, which thanks to some people, i got a hold of my health situation.
I started skipping school due to my fainting, mom started to suspect something was wrong, so i began exams.
They all came out negative, aside from this one vein in my heart that doesn't pump much blood due to the entrance being too small.
Not long after, maybe a few months, i had an anxiety attack with illusions of my father.
I was screaming and shouting, because it felt like he was there to hurt me again.
I didn't calm down until my cousin's friend, which they both happen to be firemen too, snapped me back into 'reality'.
I basically attracted the whole school, from then on everyone knew my face, rumours were everywhere.
It didn't last long though, by September this year everyone had forgotten about it.
My grades got bad and i failed the year, so i'm doing 8th grade again, with a different class.
They're amazing, aside from a person or two.
I found out mom had been pregnant with my step-dad's child, but lost him when he broke up with her due to stress and overworking.
I was sad for awhile, but accepted that no baby deserved to live what i went through, even if i craved attention from a younger sibling, i wanted to look after someone and give a good example.
But it's okay now.
After being on and off, mom and step-dad got back together, even though i don't trust him after what he did, but as long as she's happy it's okay.
I came to a conclusion that my physical health isn't in danger, however my mental strength snapped.
I'm being followed by a therapist every week, i'm feeling much better.
I'm waiting to join a club with a friend, so i'm looking forward to it.
I no longer feel depressed, i have alot more of self esteem and i'm happier, my grades are pretty good too.
I'm waiting for another hectic year to end and eager for a new one to come.
Now, for those of you that are reading this, the point in all this is that bad moments are temporary.
Somewhere along the way i thought of taking my own life, i thought that i was a mistake because i brought so much trouble for my mother.
But it's not true.
We're all worth of living, and should never, for once second believe that we are not worthy.
Sure, i still left alot of my life out, because otherwise this would be longer than it already is.
But you have to go through the bad to enjoy the good.
I'm 14, i still have my life ahead of me, it still isn't over.
But to whoever is reading this.
I love you, and i'm so glad your alive.
Regardless of what you've done, remember you deserve to be loved and cared for.
The right person will come for you, if they haven't already.
Thank you for reading my life so far, i hope me sharing my story helps someone somehow, and if you can, do a kind deed for someone.
Because some people just need to be recognised and not feel so invinsible like i felt.
I'm not gonna check for mistakes because that would take too long, so excuse my poor writing.
Goodbye guys, hearteu «3
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