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All parents think their daughters are "the prettiest little girls." Now imagine hearing that your entire life, yes it builds confidence and lots of it. But what good does that do? You only grow up thinking you are this stunning person who everyone should worship and you can get by on your looks alone.
Lets say that you fit into societies mold of what is considered beautiful. Your entire life you walk around with your nose in the air thinking that yes you in fact can land any guy you want and hey why not go to the fashion school your parents so strongly recommended against. You know you are hot, you don't need some hotshot degree from some Ivy League because you are going to land that guy from the Ivy League to support you while you play around with your fashion degree.
Why shouldn't you feel this way? Your parents never called you smart. You were never a straight A student no matter how hard you tried. Oh did I mention you have some serious daddy issues and taking everything your father says to heart. So when you would get a bad test grade and show it to him he would be frustrated and yell and call you stupid. No, he didn't mean it but he was mad. He didn't bring you to this country to be mediocare and get mediocare grades. But you don't care, you feel like someone who just walked out of a photoshoot. And that is thanks to your European parents and grandparents. No, they don't understand why you don't have a boyfriend because hey according to them you have everything a guy can want (aka the perfect body and face).
Now this is when it really gets interesting…you are 27 years old for the past year and a half you were on heavy anti-depressants that took your size 0 frame to something so horrific that you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror. To any normal person that "horrific size" is still considered way below the average size. But to you the whole world came crushing down. Because now you no longer feel like the pretty girl you once believed can get by on her looks alone. Since you were "not book smart."
So you decide you no longer need those anti-depressants and slowly start to take yourself off of them. Finally you are done with them. Your body has supressed so many emotions and feelings over the past year and a half you don't know how to act. You snap at everything and everyone. You try to get back into your normal routine of going to the gym three times a week. FAIL. You cut back on your cravings. FAT STILL THERE. You are literary going insane. And you keep it all inside because not a single person will understand. You are also smart enough to know that people have serious issues and you no longer being a size 0 isn't really an issue. Yet, it is. Everytime you hear someone say "wow you look great" "you look so healthy now" all you want to do is scream or punch them in the face. Because you don't want to "look healthy" all you want is your old body back but now you are so depressed that you can't get up from the couch and get yourself to the gym. You look at old pictures of yourself and you cry yourself to sleep. You stand in the shower and tug on your fat and all you want to do is take a knife and cut it out.
You begin to hate everyone arond you, no longer wanting to be near anyone because the thought of putting on clothes gives you anxiety. You still eat, you haven't reached the point of starving yourself just yet.
It's the holidays and you go back home and your dad just yells at you the entire time, doesn't understand why you think being alone is normal, why you don't want to be around people. How can you tell your dad that you hate yourself and you are mad at him for calling you stupid back in middle school? You love your parents more then anything, you can't make them feel bad.
Yet here you are sitting on your couch trying to figure out how to lose all this weight those stupid meds made you gain. And your head starts to spin and you just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep long enough for the fat to dissapear from your body.
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I don't know if it helps at all but you are not alone.
ReplySadly, I can relate so much to this. You are not alone.
I know it's hard to think positive, that 'you are beautiful no matter what', when society means unhealthy models are the beauty nowadays.
But
that's really not true. The real beauty isn't just how you look. And I really hope this sickening thought of the perfect body dissspears soon.
Because the true Beaty is you.
Reply