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I'm going to be 27 in a few months and my life is a mess to say the least, finding it more and more difficult to find any motivation each passing day. Waking up without the will to move for hours, staying awake because my anxiety and stress torture my mind. It gets so bad that I'll end up going days without a shower or brushing my teeth because I see no point in it. The only time I can force myself to do either of those is when I'm being forced to go somewhere by my family or friends because I don't want to embarrass them by looking like trash.
Everyone just thinks I'm just an antisocial weirdo who only wants to play games, but I have a hard time being around others. I just get tired of always trying to wear a fake smile when I'm around others because no one wants to deal with a depressive guy when they all want to just have fun. The few (very few) friends I have will end up dragging me to parties every so often where either I am more like a pity friend that is brought so I'm not alone but still end up alone while everyone else pretends I'm not there, or I drink until I forget everything and make an idiot of myself just so they think I'm fun and hang around me a bit more.
I have a job working in retail getting paid so crap after 4 year's there while people just starting are making the same if not more then me, and I am to stupid to quit because I know I'll never be able to find a job that I'll like or would pay me more. I still live at home with my parents and sister who do nothing but fight and argue most days. I end up just staying in my room not wanting to deal with them because it makes me feel even worse. There are days I won't eat just because I feel so bad and don't want to leave my room, and all they do is yell at me for spending too much time in my room.
I've had a small hand full of relationships, none of which ended well, but am now sitting at nearly 3 years of being single. The problem always being the same, they like the fake me and after a while of dating I slowly end up showing the real me. One look at the deep chasm of depression and long life of being bullied and abused that I hide from everyone and they don't want to deal with it. Some stayed with me because they pitied me only to cheat on me because they wanted someone stronger or less broken, others just left on the spot not needing to deal with my problems when they have their own after I would help comfort. And now there's a girl that says she likes me, calls me pet names and acts like my girlfriend when she's around me. But will never message me, and hardly get to see her anymore. She will message me every now and then still calling me pet names and promises to see me but cancels without warning leaving me with hope to see her but never getting too. I don't know if she has someone else and just keeps me on a leash as a back up or if she just wants to toy with me.
And now here I am, sitting awake in my bed unable to sleep because everything is just crashing down on me. Almost 27 years, half of my life has already gone by and I have nothing to show for it. And tomorrow will be a whole new year of torture for me. I don't know how much more I can take. I've always just kept myself together saying it will get better, but it's slowly just getting worse. I just feel like a failure, just some trash that the world would be better without... The thought of suicide has always been in the back of my mind since before I can remember. Like a small voice constantly reminding me that I don't have a reason to suffer any more then I already have. I've always pushed it away saying that I'm stronger then that, but it's only gotten louder and louder over the years. I always have a hard time talking about my problems in fear that I'll just push the few people I have in my life away. I just wish that I could find something that would give me a reason to hold on. Right now I feel as if no one would even notice if I died.
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Hey, you have support here. Those are really rough problems to go through. Really rough. I can understand how you could be distrustful(and depressed for that matter), and I suppose it will do no good to tell you it will get better. I honestly don’t have any huge, major advice to give other than... maybe you need a fresh start. Try moving somewhere else, where people don’t know you, and you have opportunities. (I can tell what you’re thinking. I wouldn’t take that advice either.)
But if nothing else will work, let me try to explain to you just how unique you are. I’m not talking just oh, well SHE has brown hair and a short nose, and HE has long limbs and bushy eyebrows, no. But I mean... just think about it. Think about how people are affected by the experiences in their life, about how different people react differently to similar experiences even. Think about what kind of person that made them. Now think about you. Nobody else has had experiences EXACTLY like you. They may have had similar experiences, and relating to others is good. It may have even affected them in a similar way, but NO BODY, not ONE PERSON in the entire WORLD is exactly like you. You’re like a living experiment if you think about it even more. How did this affect you? How did that shape your personality? How did those words impact your life?
Nobody is you, and nobody will ever BE you. Even if you don’t have a life plan yet, or just feel like a waste of space... just know that you are SO FRICKING UNBELIEVABLY VALUABLE. God wouldn’t have put you here unless you were here for SOMETHING. I mean... you’re not just gonna blip into existence as disappear again without having an impact on something. Even something you had no idea about. Maybe you made someone’s day somehow, and now they make it a point to be kind. You don’t know. Now, you probably don’t appreciate being talked to like a toddler, nor being called an experiment, but I hope this at least made somebody somewhere laugh.
Good luck.
You have my support.
-random girl having a good/horrible day
ReplyI can really relate to your story I have said something similar honestly...but I'm here if you want someone to listen I may be someone you don't know but I do know what it's like I hope that counts for something the suicide thoughts,feeling like a failure,working in retail,being in my 20s and the fear of the new year etc. etc.
Don't be afraid to message me if you need to express yourself
don't kill yourself the reason to hold on is I'll listen and I'll notice
PLEASE take care of yourself...
ReplyI can relate and im only 17. Youve actually done a pretty good job up till now. So Keep going is what i always tell myself hopefully you make it 😁 Here if yah need to talk.
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