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So.. I think this is something my friends need to know.
They all know I struggle to eat, or I refuse to eat, but I've been trying.
It's getting to the point, where my stomach is hardening, and churning at the thought and smell of food.
It's getting to the point, where I want to shove my fingers down my throat, until I can't bring anything up.
I try not to make it noticeable, but I feel sick nearly all the time now, and it hurts.
It hurts to eat. It hurts to say to my friends,
"I'm not hungry," or "I feel sick."
I'm starting to hate myself. More than usual.
I want it to stop, but I feel like it won't.
I feel like it's something that's going to come along with me.
I want to make my friends happy. Which is why I haven't said anything.
My friends are more important, and they have other problems to deal with, they don't need me added onto it.
I want to ask for help, but I feel like no one will listen.
I feel like if I tell someone, they'll say I'm attention seeking, or lying.
I feel like people will give up on me, as it's been so long.
I've been trying to eat. I promise. It's just getting harder.
I want to cry everyday, because my stomach hurts so much.
I want to sit, in the bathroom, forcing myself to be sick by holding my stomach, or putting my fingers down my throat.
I sit in my room if I don't go out, and sit on my phone, on my guitar, on my keyboard, or kindle.. Or I watch something, to try and dismiss the feeling of sickness.
I feel like there isn't an escape.
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I'm sorry you have to go through this. You do matter. Your situation is dire, and for others to dismiss that is to be ignorant. Due to social anxiety, I hate going outside to eat, and there have been some occasions where I skip meals due to my low self esteem and thoughts. Is it possible to notify a guardian, if not your parents? Is there a social worker from where you are? Try and see if there is treatment available. This needs to be treated as soon as possible. You are trying hard to eat, and I am very proud of you for that. However, if you feel stuck, then you should seek for help. Perhaps you may try reaching out to a eating disorder helpline? Keep in mind that you matter, and that you are fighting valiantly.
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