Tired Student

I write this because I’m alone. And it’s been harder to be okay with that fact. As the holidays go by, I realize that in people’s minds, I might not be someone to be thankful for. I haven’t been talking to any friends, and it is both freeing and harrowing at the same time. Freeing as in I don’t give myself or anyone the burden of talking to me. And harrowing as in I don’t know I can continue talking to no one anymore.

Slowly I’m becoming less and less relevant. To myself, to my friends, to everyone I know. I’m becoming a shadow. I’m just an embodiment of something. Both light and dark hide me, I’m tired of this and I’m tired of everything. It wasn’t always this way I think. People believed in me. They said I’m going to make something out of myself. I’ll be respected, and powerful. But do I really want that? Some days, I want to live in another country. Vietnam. A beautiful country. But what will my parents say? Some people would kill to live in America. I feel ashamed that living here was a given for me, yet I don’t appreciate it.

Sometimes I just want a simple life. I want someone who cares for me, my soulmate. And a family, and go on trips to the beach, have ice cream. Drive home into the sunset, knowing that this good day is everyday. But sometimes I want more. I want to be powerful, rich, admired, respected. I know in my heart I could have which ever I please, as long as I work to that goal. But I don’t know what I want.

I see no future for myself, and I’m here in a school, studying for tests, for a college, for a future that seems so dark. It’s black. I can’t imagine a future that people see in me. It’s such a pity. People who don’t invest themselves into their studies as much as me, seem to be carefree about their future, do what their hearts say. I wish I could be like that. My heart says nothing. It’s gone, it’s numb, And I’m so lost.

I don’t know who are my friends anymore. Maybe I’m so used to being alone that I don’t mind. But I’m always scared. I’m scared that they don’t like me. That they put up with me because they pity me. Or maybe I’m always there that they just try to be nice. I don’t know. Was it always this way? I don’t remember.

I’m upset at everyone and everything. Even though I shouldn’t be. I feel like I’m over thinking this. I’m sorry. Something inside me is just consuming me and I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m tired of fighting back. I don’t want to live this way anymore.

Why is my future, my friends, my choices, suddenly so important to me? Right now? I’m angry that people think I’m capable. That people believe in me. It just tolls me not to let them down. I feel so pathetic. I want people to leave me alone, but I want people to accept me. I can’t choose anything in this life or the next.

I’m so angry because people think something bad happened to me. Like I was always happy or something. It just proves how much people don’t know me. I never was. I’m just tired of being happy about everything and everyone, when no one can give the same back to me. Well now I stand towards like this in full entirety. I’m tired of it.