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Everyone keeps saying, "It's going to be okay. Hang in there." And I want to believe them, but I don't understand this mysterious plan that is going to magically fix everything. For example, let's say that I decide to reach out and get help. They will probably put me in the hospital, where I can get "better." That's fine and dandy, but then what? I would have been fired from my new job. This was the job that was supposed to really start my already-delayed career. It was supposed to get me connections and experience. By losing it, I would be burning bridges with all the people associated with the department over there. Then, I would be stuck with no job, but still have car payments, insurance bills, and now hospital bills added to my growing financial issues. How does that help anything? How does that make everything "okay?" Nothing about the rest of my life would be "okay." Stuck in dead-end jobs, spending outrageous amounts on medical care and prescriptions that fail anyway. That is what "okay" means? What kind of motivation is that?
I mean, I look at what that path holds, and all it does is encourage me further to go shoot myself. What about that seems like it's something to look forward to? I already have few friends and just a handful of family members. I know that dying would be tough on them, but if they really loved me, then they wouldn't want me going through this kind of pain anymore, right? Why not just stop it all here before more needless heartache ensues? Before more unnecessary bills pile up?
I'm between a rock and a hard place. I can either just end everything, or I can create different forms of pain and suffering. I can stop things here, or let them escalate. I'm tired of trite, over-used phrases, telling me that things will be alright. I'm tired of stressing out over all of this nonsense. And, most of all, I'm tired of fighting a loosing battle with this pain inside of me.
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You need to get some help or you will never get out of this.
Risk the pain of losing the job and getting help or you will never know what's truly possible.
My 2 cents....and my life has totally sucked for the past 5 years.
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