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The nights are the hardest. Throughout the days I don't seem to feel it as much. Do you know what it's like to convince yourself throughout the day this is your little piece of perfect, to lay next to someone and the child you made at night and against your will, somehow the doubt comes pouring in to the point where it consumes you? It's like no other feeling. Even then I wake up and repeat, except on the nights he's gone again. Who knows maybe he's right and I am just a child with unrealistic expectations of life and relationships. Maybe I do have it as good as he says and I just haven't experienced other men enough to know that. He tells me there are women out there dying to be in my shoes and live the life that I do? Then why am I so ungrateful? Why am I not dying to be in my own shoes? He's a good father and overall has a well-rounded life. Business owner, works from home, does as he pleases when he pleases. Simple as that.
Prior to pregnancy we lived a summer's dream for a year. Together all the time like two peas in a pod. And we LOVED it, or so I thought. When I became pregnant he refused to take me anywhere with him saying I didn't belong there. He was right I didn't need to be in clubs, drinking or partying with friends on the weekend. But he did... The guy who I sat on the porch drinking cheap wine with during summer nights, who had told me this is the life he loved, being able to live, laugh and love all at home, that guy no longer existed. Suddenly being at home suffocated him and if I only asked that he spend a Friday night in with me I was asking too much of him. Being unreasonable, crazy, clingy, a child among many other things he would call me. Fast forward, our daughter is born. There are many nights babysitters are available for us to go out and have an evening together. He says now he goes to places he would never take his girlfriend too or that a mother shouldn't be there, but at home with her child. And if i ever so happen to say I want to have a good time, I'll be reminded that God forbid if I ever want to go out, I should have never had a child and should have thought about it then. I've dealt with many of his harsh realities, from constant lying, to verbal abuse, seeing exes, even being spit on and told I deserve it. Being told every argument how I am fat, disgusting with stretch marks, need makeup to look good, ugly, useless, a bad mom, bad girlfriend, compared to exs, in all other words told that I am the scum that lays beneath him.
Then the weekend is over. His partying and nights out are over. He'll tell me he loves me and he never meant it, I mean the world to him, I am the most beautiful being he's come across, I just need to change my perspective and cut him some slack. And repeat. The entire week we are a fairytale couple, no fights, arguments, degrading, abuse it's all in the not so distant past. Mid-week will come and he'll tell me he'll stay in one day with me, or go out with me. I'll get excited and hopeful. Then that day will come and the time he should tell me I should be getting ready, he tells me he has other plans and that I should be okay with that. That I have no right to be the tiniest bit upset. And then repeat the weekend.
The cycle goes on from the horrid weekends to the fairytale weekdays. As I lay here writing this I realize yes, I do live in a fairytale as he says just not the one i imagined, infact one that is not my own. I live in his fairytale. So ask yourself, who's fairytale are you living in?
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you dont deserve this, please dont ever let yourself believe your life is perfect because others have it worse, im so sorry he treats you like this you need to get away this is unhealthy there are people out there who will be there for you and there are people who are listening. i wish i could hug you right now because i think you need one. i may not know you or understand your full situation or have even seen your face but your beautiful, and i love you because you deserve love not this abuse. no one deserves to be abused certainly not you please save yourself from him because you deserve, you beautiful stranger
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