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I want to be a father. I want a kid. I've always wanted to be a dad, but never really wanted to be a husband. I've tried, but it always puts a bad taste in my mouth because it's not what I want. I find the concept of marriage to be redundant because I don't like the struggle. I prefer to keep my peace and stick to myself. I love to stop and smell the roses in life and take time to let things slow down and take in the beauty of nature. The process of pursuing a mate I find worthy, conflicts with that. I enjoy spending time with many people just because who they are and not because of some goal. I almost was married twice. The two individuals I really enjoyed who they were, but I couldn't see myself glued in conflict with them for years. I appreciate my space and I prefer others to have there's and respect mine. I prefer to rely solely on my own right. Nikolai tesla was similar. One of the greatests memories in my life was that of my father's love when I was young before his passing. Gentle, kind, understanding, and warm, but not smothering and overbearing. Kindly firm in discipline when it was needed. I charished the little time we spent together and respected my father tremendously. He was a very peaceful and jolly man. Someone people loved to be around. The rest of my youth was spent witnessing my mother's terrible choice in a second partner rampage about and her retaliations to him that made it worse. I grew up in a home of mostly women and am well versed in how much sense they don't make. God bless women it's nothing against them, I just don't understand them. I'm currently talking to a girl that I think the world of who is very fond of myself. I thoroughly enjoy her sense of humor and enjoy her company. I believe if I were to settle she'd fit the bill as far as not causing a ruckus and respecting my space, but I believe I still have these delusions in my head of perfection I have difficulty shaking much my dismay. I think a lot of my mental boat anchors are left over from my perfectionist stepdad. The rest from my last relationship. She was beautiful and kind, but was schizophrenic and took me for a emotional roller coaster ride at the drop of a hat. I didn't like that at all. The latestest girl in my life isn't schizophrenic, but I don't find her to be as attractive and it baffles me. I beat my head to death on the subject and feel as though I'm an idiot for not finding her as or better yet light years beyond the former. She's an amazing girl. Why is my head so stupid. Why can't the attraction thing be a switch I can flip on manually. I finally meet someone that's worth a hoot and calm and I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to give them what they need (without drugs) in return if I were to fully pursue. My question... do the ends justify the means? Bedrudgingly continue the struggle I haven't fully decided is pointless? Or be a man of science and bypass the rubbish altogether?
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