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My partner of almost ten years (not married) is getting his last name changed to his step fathers last name. This is sweet and everything but it has been a sevre rush job ever since his parents found out I was pregnant.
The back story to this is I met him as a couch surfing teen at 17, be had been living out of home since 15 and going from place to place. He had run away from home because of his abusive step father (bare with me) along with his older sister. His older brother also left home not long after I met my partner. They all seem to have problems which they blamed on their step father. When I first met my partner, he mentioned before he ran away his mum and step dad were going to change all their last names over to step dads last name. He had also said, "if I didnt run away, I would have killed myself." He now says he was being dramatic
Going a year forward to when he was 18, his biological father got in contact with him and his siblings. He came to the state to meet them (not having seen them since they were toddlers) and spent the weekend drunk and telling them how much he loved them. No surprise here, but it turned out he was an alcoholic and disappears and reappears when he chooses. Was "fun" and "loving" when he was drunk, but cold and a complete asshole when sober. At the age of 23 my partner had enough of this and chose to cut him off. I found him crying in the bathroom the night he finally had enough of him.
At 25 my partner worked up the courage to go home after ten years and face his step dad. Which was holding him back from being able to see his mum (somehow). I was expecting this angry violent man, instead I found him shocked, calling my partner by his "kiddy" name and hugging him. His personality seemed arrogant but was still polite to me and didnt show any signs of being false. Keeping in mind my partners older siblings are still refusing to see this man or introduce their families to him, which is red flags to me.
Almost two years later (present), I found out I was pregnant. My partner told his parents (as you do) and within a week his mum called him back talking about changing his last name to step dads. My partner was suddenly really enthusiastic about the idea (hasn't mentioned it since he was 17!) And is all "I've always wanted to change my last name" when I ask him about it. The whole situation feels rushed and its got me asking "why now? Why so suddenly? Why not his siblings?"
It's making me feel very pushed to the side, like my opinion doesn't matter. I'm not saying don't do it,because the end of the day its his name, his choice. But I have so many questions about, well, why?! I recently asked his brother what he thought about the whole thing and the poor guy started having the beginnings of an anxiety attack just talking about his step dad (that being said,he is the only one who never met his real dad). From what I understand he has PTSD from his younger years (living at home) and he was the "favorite". I've heard my partner talk to his sister about it, she went cold and said it was his decision. My partner admits his step dad did horrible things at times, but he also has good memories of him and at least he fathered them, unlike his bio-dad.
In my opinion, the whole thing is rushed. It wasn't mentioned (family wise) since he was 15, then suddenly I get pregnant and the whole thing just happens and quickly. Him and his mum aren't very good at explaining it to me either. If I question his mum, she shrugs and says "its his choice if he wants to, I'm not pushing him" then if I ask my partner it ends up in an argument because he cant handle conflict very well. The most I can get out of him is that "it was planned a long time ago" and "better named after an asshole then an alcoholic who abandoned his family".
I honestly feel like there's a reason behind it other then just "being the nice thing to do". I just don't know how to approach this and my baby is due soon.
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You can't help somebody who doesn't want help. If he truly feels that his father figures last name would be better, that is his decision. But i does seem a little weird that now that you're pregnant they might want him to change his name so the baby can have the step fathers last name. It is his decision, but when it comes to the baby you should have a say when determining his/her last name. After all, you are the one carrying the baby. That's just my opinion though.
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