What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
Happy Venting-about-your-sad-love-life day to everyone with a broken heart. I hope you will take time to love and care about yourself. Lovers come and go, but you're stuck with yourself until death do you part.
So, as the title says it, there's a guy who's been on my mind for quite a while. Since maybe May, last year. I first met him on my last year of secondary school. He was one of those guys everyone liked. He wasn't a jock or anything of the "popular cool guy" cliché, just a good classmate. We had a few conversations, but he had his own group of friends naturally. I was stuck with the weirdest of the weirdest. Looking back at it now, I wish I wasn't too lazy to actually hang out with people I actually liked. Anyway, point is I never really became friends with that guy.
We never talked since we graduated and went our own ways to our own colleges, living our lives. We added each other on different social media, so we liked a few posts here and there. As I was finishing my 4th semester in my program, I couldn't stop thinking about him. It's like my brain went "Hey remember that cool, super sweet guy you knew in sec5? Remember how mature and educated he was? Remember how pretty cute he was? Yeah, you should maybe hit it". At that time, I finally got rid of my toxic ex-boyfriend and I felt like maybe I could learn to trust men again. Of course, I was too awkward to text him first, I didn't even know how to start a conversation after 3 years of not seeing/talking to him. Heck, I don't know to start a conversation period.
And one day, he sent me a message on Instagram, while I was visiting my family in Bosnia. I was ranting a little bit on my IG story, mentionning how I hated being a wallflower. He replied to that story, making a pun with the title of the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It didn't feel real as I saw the notification on my phone's screen. It was maybe 11PM in Bosnia and 5PM in Montreal, and I didn't want to open the message and leave him on "read". So I decided to go to bed, think of a REALLY good reply and send him the message when I wake up the day, since it'd be super early in Montreal and he'd be asleep... I'm a huge dork. And so we started talking about our summer holidays, school, our friends, pretty much anything really. I remember how I'd check my phone every 5 minutes to see if he texted me. I really, really enjoyed talking to him. Maybe I even liked him at that point.
To describe him a little more, he's a very outgoing guy (pretty flirty too), goes to the gym, always has some cool place to go to with his big number of friends, hardworking and determined to have a fulfilling job. Basically, he's the opposite of me. I can't even pretend to be a little more like him because I'm that awkward and was always more reserved. Even when I start opening up to people, my "humour" and personnality are still pretty weird and awkward. I guess it's because I never developped a good, proper, fun way of socializing with people. And I can't help but thinking that maybe I drove him away.
We met up one day at a café and I honestly thought we had a good time. He even made me visit his university, invited me to go work out with him one day. Well, that was kind of a red flag for my sister and my best friend. Their immediate response was "he just wants to see you in tight workout clothes, sweating and panting". I'll admit his proposition was unusual for someone as 0 active as me, but I never mentionned it to him. After that day, we both said how we couldn't wait to hang out again and that we should plan something again soon. I remember we had this conversation where he said was "into me", and I'm pretty sure there's no platonic/friendship equivalent of that term. So I asked him directly "are you playing with me?", and he said he was not, sending me heart emojis. My conclusion was that I got a decent guy to like me.
Oh but then things went bad.
Both of our semesters were starting and we didn't have a lot of free time to go out. One week, I got REALLY impatient and giddy; I had to see him again. So one night, we went to the movies and it went pretty cool. And then I had to leave, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek. Yup, I was being a slut already. Well, on a Muslim's perspective, it's a pretty huge deal. He just laughed at it, was probably nervous, considering his family living around the neighbourhood. I just went home feeling super light and happy. A week after, we were having a random conversation and at one point, I asked him how he saw me or saw us at. Little did I know he was about to send me 8 paragraphs explaining how I wasn't straightforward with him and that he just wanted us to be "homies".
Hold on a second.
It was ME who wasn't straightforward, Mr I'm-"into-you"-and-flirt-with-you-a-lot? And you said "HOMIES"? Not even finding out my ex cheated on me when we were together hurt me more than reading those words. I just cried that night. I cried in silence for hours. I woke up in the morning with eyes unbelievably swollen. Everyone who saw me asked me if I had allergies or if my eyes got stung. I just shut up. I couldn't even tell my mom at first. I felt stupid and embarassed. My pride and my self-esteem just crumbled. I hated myself, blamed myself for everything. Because of what? Some guy? Pathetic. Of course, he kept texting me as if nothing happened, even asked me to go with him to the gym or eat lunch. A part of me really wanted to see him again, but it didn't feel right. My heart clenched every time I ignored him or told him I couldn't go, not like he cared. He has so many friends. Why would he want me to come anyway? It's not like we're even close. Everything about this relationship feels superficial. I don't feel like I know who he is, or that he even knows me.
As I was scrolling though Facebook, I was he was tagged on a comment of a post saying "When you flirt with someone cause you're bored and they asked when you're seeing each other" with the image of a girl rolling her eyes out". His friend wrote "haha makes me think of you". He replied "haha you know it". I glared at the screen for a minute straight before taking a screenshot. I was furious, feeling even more stupid and embarassed. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. I held back my tears. "Not this time" I told myself, he didn't deserve it. I told my friends about it, and they supported me a lot. Some of them recommended me to send the screenshot to him, to see what he would say to this. I declined the offer.
He tries to talk to me again, hinting that we could hang out soon. I keep making up excuses with a broken heart. It still hurts. I'm one of those idiots who tend to forgive too easily, hence why I got caught up in a toxic relationship before. He's still on my mind. And I hate it. I keep checking my phone sometimes, to see if by any chance he sent me something. I was on my way back home tonight, wondering what if we met up in the metro by a coincidence. All sappy, romcom clichés a part of me wished came true. I never had much luck with men before, and I might not get much luck in the future either. He was kind of a ray of hope for me. And for a moment, for just a moment, I thought it could grow into something special.
Maybe, one day, some man will love me, and I will love him back. Only God knows what will happen to me. I know I still need to work on how I see myself and try to love mysef a little more everyday even though it can be hard. I hope you learn to love yourself. As the great Rupaul says, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?
Have a good night everyone, and thanks for reading.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
Valentine's what?
I have grown to hate Valentine's Day over the last decade. I'm married to the love of my life but her mental illness has destroyed every bit of intimacy we once...
-
Happy Valentine’s Day
I am not even going to get into how I’ve always felt about Valentine’s Day. I’m trying to be more intentional in seeing the good in things. Seeing the goo...