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Let's get one thing straight first: I have school refusal and I've deduced that it is either from the pressure of switching school systems, (Going from elementary school, where there was only one class, to middle school, where you have to change classes with different people in each one.) Or some trauma I've blocked out of my mind from something.
If you don't know what school refusal is, it'd be easier and more accurate if you looked it up but to summarize it, it's where you're terrified of school and feel absolutely sick and anxious in it.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, here's my issue. In 5th grade, I switched schools because the one I was in was carp to be frank. I switched to a school that would unknowingly ruin my 10 year old life. (It was nothing on their part, of course.)
This school made 5th grade use this middle school system, causing me to be miserable there. I couldn't take it. I felt like I was going to cry whenever someone mentioned school... And sometimes did. I knew it was unusual, I never cried and the school wasn't that bad... So why did I feel as if it was tearing me apart?
I honestly didn't give a sh*t because I was an emotional wreck from it. All I knew is that I needed to get out. And, after straight up sobbing on schoolgrounds and complaining about these symptoms I had no idea the cause of; my step mom switched to homeschooling.
It wasn't really homeschooling and definetly not the kind you're thinking of. It's more of online schooling but she gets pretty defensive about that and usually hisses, "It's not online!" But it is. It's a prerecorded school course that's sometimes used as a supplement for school and sometimes as a curriculum for to base your school year off of, homeschooling or not.
We never did anything other than the online part because this family is a complete wreck. I'm not even exaggerating, trust me. My dad does drugs and my step mom is fine with it. My mom has a parasite that the doctors can't identify and will most likely die from it. My sister has questionable morals at points in time, but that's nothing drastic; she's just lost faith in the world and everything she once had. Oh wait.
So, anyways, homeschooling! Right, let's get back on track. This thing wasn't titled "Family Issues," now was it? Okay, so anyways, I finished that year. There was one lingering thought throughout the year that absolutely mortified me; my step mom clearly stated multiple times that I was going back to "real school". And I did.
For a few weeks. I was a broken man, or in this case a broken eleven year old child. I went to a school my best and only friend was going to and I met 2 other people that were great. I also had a few friends from my old school that went there. That's the problem; I HAD A REASON TO GO THERE.
I wanted to go to that school SO badly! I wanted to be with my friends, I wanted to help them, I wanted to learn! That friend from my old school looked terrible and had no friends and I feel terrible for leaving him behind, just despicable! Also, seeing him in that state broke my heart but I ignored him the one time he tried to talk. Ignored. Ugh!
Well, after a few mental breakdowns and one in the nurse's office, my step mom brought me back to "homeschooling" and here we are now.
I won't lie. I'm sitting in my bed, mourning what couldve been to people who I probably shouldn't be telling my problems to. But I need it.
I know it wasn't my fault and I already have a therapist. I just want to go back. Why did I have to leave? I feel guilty and horrible. The second school was very nice, I was even on the verge of making friends! That never happens anymore! I ruined my record and probably won't get into a good school next year and that'll lead to some more school refusal which will lead to me dropping out, albiet unwillingly, and getting into a crappy college.
I just hate my life right now. Everything seems to be crumbling and burning to ashes. I don't know how to fix myself. I can't fix mh family, I've already tried but nothing was ever there. My only truly great memories were when I was younger with my mom. Now she's practically on her death bed. My family dog is in a shelter somewhere. My pet in my new home (Just for a general timeline, my dad took me back around the age of 5-6, I forget. Its all blurred.) is probably too,g to die from old age and shatter me. My dying mom is with a guy who is just there for the live insurance bill. My uncle wasn't who I thought he was. My. Dad. Does. Drugs.
No one cares enough or knows enough about me to even look up what I have which will probably help them understand how I felt. I tried so hard, I still do! I just want something to go right. I want a good life. Is that si much to ask? I'm giving up on paragraphs but this rant is ending soon anywho. But I think that line actually summarizes it all. I try so hard.
I try to help my mom.
I tried to help my dad.
I'm trying to help my sister.
I'm trying to help my sister.
I try to help my step mom.
I try to help.
Why won't anyone help me? Just once? Please?
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Sorry about the typos, I wrote this on my phone and thanks for reading even if you don't have advice. :')
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